During a recent Back to School Night for my daughter Natalie, her first-grade teacher organized the parents in groups of five and asked all the parents to recall their favorite memory from first grade.
In a flash, only the most traumatic memories of first grade came rushing back to me as I thought "Why, why, oh why, can I not think of anything cute, funny, pleasant or, at the very least, ordinary to share?" My mind just did a continual loop between:
- Having a pee accident and being walked home by a sixth grader ever. I later told a few bullies that a pipe broke under my desk, and I stuck with that story until now.
- Being pushed down by a girl whose name I can't remember because she moved away in the middle of the school year after she caused my top front grown-up tooth to be projected outward and upward in my mouth, resulting in braces at the age of 16.
- Getting my first pair of glasses that would lead to me getting my first pair of contacts in third-grade because according to my mother "pretty girls don't wear glasses." Little did she know that 29-years later a pair of glasses would make Sarah Palin a fashion icon.
- Going without permission to Stella Rodgers' little shack beside the railroad tracks where she and her 4 siblings were allowed to eat candy for dinner. Wow, candy for dinner. I was in huge trouble and was not allowed to be her friend, which was good because in high school she became part of group known as the "vermin" who smoked on the corner before school.
- And of course there was Grant Vogel. He would put on Mrs. Reece's glasses and run around the classroom with her chasing close behind. This started a crush on Grant that would last until the 12th grade and result in years of rejection although I still believe that secretly he liked me.
I could not get the loop to stop "pee accident, tooth deformation, ugly glasses, candy for dinner with a future vermin; and, yes he really did like me and never had the courage to say it."
Why didn't I make anything up such as" I liked when Mrs. Reece read us stories", or "I remember my sense of accomplishment when I learned how to subtract." My self-absorption was getting in the way of my lie generation, which normally comes pretty easy. So, I looked at the 4 other parents and said in an attempt to be funny and self-deprecating "I only remember traumatic things from first grade. I had a pee accident, got my front tooth knocked crooked, and had to get glasses."
Horror quickly went across their faces as they made a mental note of my daughter's name.
