Feelin’ Wonderful Ass

U've got a wonderful ass

U don't understand my quirky ways

Girl, U've got a wonderful ass

U do not understand my quirky ways

My crazy logic leaves U in a daze

U think my neurosis is just a phase

Girl, U've got a wonderful ass

According to Prince, all is forgiven if you have a wonderful ass. But, will Prince fans ever forgive him for not releasing possibly one of his finest gems from his high-period in the 1980s? With its upbeat melody, catchy hook, clever lyrics and funky Linn drum, Wonderful Ass has the infectious pop playfulness of Raspberry Beret and is as danceable as of Baby, I Am a Star, 1999, Housequake, and Kiss.

It has everything his hits have except that it has never been played on the radio or appeared on an album as an official release. The master remains hidden in the performer’s infamous vault while versions with murky sound quality have been floating around as bootlegs for more than 20 years; hardcore Prince fans and collectors consistently list it is as one his best songs in his enormous and still growing oeuvre.

Wonderful Ass could have easily been among Prince’s biggest hits and still could be if it were released to pop radio stations without attaching Prince’s name to it—similar to the way Donny Osmond’s Soldier of Love was released a decade ago. Yes, Prince’s voice is distinctive, and this song has a quintessential 80s sound, but young people would not recognize it as Prince, and the nostalgic sound would resonate with the Purple Rain generation even for listeners who have long forgotten him.

Fans can fantasize, but this not likely to happen. So, what will happen to Wonderful Ass and his other unreleased songs? Absolutely nothing. Prince has moved far beyond his outtakes from the past as he claims that he never tries to repeat himself, and he is only interested in making new music. This is typically true until he gets in a contractual or financial jam and has no problem pulling out a few songs to hock to fans who buy everything he releases regardless of quality or effort by the artist, as in the case of Crystal Ball released during his personal economic crisis in the mid-90s. (Rumor has it that under the pressure of numerous law suits, tax issues, and monetary problems that plague him currently that perhaps Crystal Ball II is on its way).

But, do we really want Prince touching the old material in the vault? Conservative, highly regarded Prince of the 2000s is determined to destroy the irreverent, fearless freak of nature from the 1980s (who is responsible for the Prince of today being in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame). This is evident by his obliteration of the 1985 highly regarded, unreleased classic Old Friends 4 Sale and the beloved fan favorite from 1984, In a Large Room with No Light. The new versions just make us cringe and long for the days when Prince was raw and fearless. Fans do not want new Prince re-working old Prince, we just our favorite unreleased tracks released in flawless quality. So, what should we do? Continue to upload bootlegs. Share them, celebrate them, and enjoy them. (A word of caution: Never pay for unauthorized recordings, and by all means, never sell them.)

However, I warn that the pursuit Prince bootlegs is an addictive and time-consuming hobby. I am like the college student locked in the study room at the library determined to surpass her classmates until I realize I am not studying but instead looking for songs about shagging. What would have happened if I actually applied myself that hard in college? There was one particular day when I found some rare concert videos from the Dirty Mind/ Controversy era that I am not sure that I acknowledge my children’s existence. It is a good thing they didn’t cook hot dogs that they day, or they would become the collective Jeannette Walls of their generation and I would have been the negligent dirty song lovin’ mommy dearest. Fortunately, there have been no Prince-related mishaps in my home just screaming children who flee room on the first beat of Erotic City; however, I have experienced a few Prince-induced viruses, regrettably all computer-based.

As I continue my quest for purple nirvana. I encourage you embark upon your own journey for Wonderful Ass.

Arrested Vampirism

As a person who has been t.v. free almost two years now, I am pretty sheltered from the Twilight hoopla, except for when I check Facebook.

Let me tell you: “June 30th” is not interesting status update. It is equivalent to “I can’t wait for my first date,” “Only two days till I’m ungrounded,” and “Orlando Bloom is hot.”

You are all a bunch and thirty and forty-somethings. Are there any other tween and teen trends, you would like to cling onto like Silly Bandz, henna tattoos, or “vodka eyeballing.”

Here is an idea for a status update: “Today, I grew up and threw away my Twilight t-shirt.” If that doesn’t work try: “I just gained some literary taste and read a book with a complex plot and metaphors.”

Twenty Years Too Late

On her best day, Lady Gaga is an imitation of a bad Madonna impersonator voguing to Roxette imitating ABBA with a little bit of electronica thrown in to appear relevant and slightly edgy.

Next?

Mark Haddon Stabs Jeff Kinney in the Back with a Proverbial Garden Fork: Review of The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time

Author’s Note: This post containers spoiler information about Mark Haddon’s The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time. Go ahead and take the 70 seconds to read my review, and save yourself the four to six hours that you could never get back if you waste your time on this book. Book Club Moms, here are my comments for May’s selection. I find that when I don’t like a book the meeting goes to hell quickly, so in hopes of keeping us on track, I will rant here and bring only my most positive energy to the meeting if I am able to attend. The kids’ babysitter will not return my emails or phone calls, so it isn’t looking good. Could it be because my pre-schooler tried to kill her with a jar of peanut butter? Possibly.


If I had to write a one sentence description of Mark Haddon’s The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time, it would be: Rain Man meets the Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Dog Days.

Yes, that is harsh, but I will not stop there. It shocks me that this sham of a novel won the 2003 Whitbread Award and received stellar reviews. Haddon has garnered overwhelming praise for creating Christopher Boone, a fifteen-year-old boy with Asperger Syndrome (a highly functional type of autism), who is an emotionally impaired teenager who navigates through a murky world of sadness, ambivalence, anger and tragedy. The book centers on the mystery of who killed Mrs. Sheers’ dog, Wellington, with a garden fork. The deeper that the dispassionate, reasonable boy delves into the mystery the more duplicity he uncovers. The tension between the literal-minded teenager who is incapable of lying and the world of deception and misconception created by the adults around him is fascinating for about two and half chapters until the gimmicky charts and drawings start appearing to show how Christopher’s mind processes.

Every time Haddon wants to pad the plot he shows Christopher working on some long equation or making lists that have no relevance to the story but only serves to elucidate Christopher as different. It’s not character development. It is filler just like when I loaded my critical theory essays in graduate school with a bunch of Derrida and Foucault quotes. I was not trying to make an argument; I was just trying to meet the page requirements. Same thing with Haddon.

Shame on Haddon, who is not autistic, for using Asperger’s as a narrative device. Shame on most critics for not seeing this novel for the gimmick that it is. Perhaps, it is politically incorrect to criticize a book about a disability, which is precisely why I do not read books about cancer or sexual abuse either. The subject matter is too tragic for readers and critics to see objectively (through their tear-filled eyes) the other components that make a narrative strong or weak. Most readers can’t get over their own guilt about their personal happiness long enough to see these types of novels as sympathy-inducing contrivances. (Feel free to put Jodi Picoult’s My Sister’s Keeper, Elizabeth Scott’s Living Dead Girl, and A Walk to Remember by Nicholas Sparks into this category).

In theory, Haddon’s book would be sympathy-inducing if it was not so grating on the nerves. If you removed all of Christopher’s commentary about not wanting to be touched, his breakdowns when his routine is interrupted, and his extensive rambling about math, this 226 page novel would become an 80 page novella or just a really long short story about a murdered dog and a divorce. Without the Asperger’s angle, Haddon’s book becomes another divorce novel among a competitive array of divorce dramas available for adults and teens. If you are looking for a divorce novel, try out Judy Blume’s It's Not the End of the World or Diane Johnson’s Le Divorce (the book, not the dreadful movie adaptation). If you are desperate for an autism novel, try Marcelo in the Real World by Francisco X. Stork, which has been highly recommended by two trusted librarians. Supposedly, the character development is more substantial, and it is an all-around superior book.

And, aren’t we all just looking for superior books (well, those of us who are not Stephenie Meyer fans)? When it comes down to it, life is too short to read bad books, so expand your literary life by skipping this book. Or, if you already read it for book club, go bitch about for 20 minutes and then move onto more interesting topics.

If the Minivan is Rockin’, Duck and Cover Your Head

Hey, teenagers in the blue Honda Civic two rows down and three cars to right, it's me the thirty-something mom in the red Dodge Caravan with the four kids, the piecemeal career, and the tummy that is like a rubber band that has been stretched one too many times. Stop that foolin’ around and watch the movie.  It’s Robert Downey, Jr. flying with the help of a jetpack, can you get much sexier? Take advantage of the Rocky Mountain fresh air, the starry sky, and smell of movie theatre popcorn. Pretending to be married under the blankets in the backseat of your economy car is okay until you become exhausted parents who can’t even hold hands without some yelling: “Yuck! Stop touching”, “He stole my drink,” or “I have to pee.” 

If you are still unconvinced, turn around and look to your left, my van is the one that is vibrating with all the screaming.   The two-year-old is pulling the five-year-old’s hair while the eleven-year-old and the eight-year-old fight over the Good-N-Plenty, which ultimately results in another spill to add to the popcorn, M&Ms, Sour Patch Kids, and Whoppers, floating in Mountain Dew on the floor of my minivan. The father is blissfully watching the movie while the mother is aging rapidly as she sobs into her hands.   

So, young man, please sit up straight and keep your hands to yourself. Young lady cross your legs, think about college, and going into a traditionally male dominated profession with huge earning potential that will allow you to buy designer handbags and matching shoes with your own money. 

Ballad of the One Day a Week Working Mom

Seven pairs of hose with runs; dried ramen noodles in the toe of a black Mary Jane pump; an upside down bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios on the carpet; and, an empty tin of pomegranate black tea. 

Random Acts of Kindness

I am not the kind of girl who receives drinks from guys in dark, smoky bars.  I am the florescent light kind of girl who attracts men at sandwich shops and grocery stores. In the past few weeks, a man randomly paid for my lunch at Subway and a different man behind me in line at the Safeway paid for my $40 worth of groceries before I had a chance to swipe my debit card.   Although I’ll never know what prompted their actions, I am appreciative for their spontaneous generosity.

Likewise, I am thankful for the outrageously generous anonymous gift card that I received in the mail.  I am pretty sure it is not from a man who is enamored by the way skin looks in the glow of artificial light, so thank you dear friend, whomever you may be. Your kindness and generosity touch my heart.

However, if is it from you, Mr. Obsessive Library Guy with the bowl haircut and the jagged teeth, who asks for my phone number at least once a week, I promise you that the reality can never live up to your sick librarian fantasy.  And by the way, the line, “I am a Unix user and if you come by sometime, I can show you all the goodness it offers” is not hot!  

Dressing

She was in no hurry to get back to the office that afternoon even though he left about ten minutes earlier.  Alone in the master bathroom, she brushed her hair repeatedly with the monogrammed brush from the third drawer on the left side. She placed the brush back in the drawer with the diamond studded “S” flat against the oak with the bristles facing upward.  Methodically, she shaped her lips with pink liner and the filled the lines in with Maybelline 155, Party Pink. A little lipstick smeared on the marble vanity.  She put the rest of her make-up in her bag and slipped a bottle of Chanel No. 5 in there as well.   Moving from the bathroom to the bedroom, her left earring fell onto the Berber carpet near his side of the bed. She reached to the other side of the bed and closed the copy of Loving Frank that was on the nightstand.  She didn’t bother to turn the lights off as she went into the kitchen and opened the cabinet filled with blue and white coffee cups with the all handles facing left. She flipped a few of the handles until she found the pink and white “I Love My Mommy” cup and threw that in her bag too. She did not lock the door behind her.  

Business Has Gone to the Dogs

While working one a day at a large downtown library, I handed a man a few books from the Dark Tower series. He was pleased to receive the books because the thrift shop he owns didn’t have them. He, then, proceeded to ask me if I had ever been to Sunny Day Thrift.

There was an uncomfortable silence as I debated on how honest to be.

"Yes, I was in that store once. There was a huge dog running around loose. I was so afraid that he was going to jump on me or bite me that I left the store without buying anything.”

He replied: "That is my dog, Bandit. He is a great dog. You should come back some time. We have lots of good stuff."

Yeah, I am not going back to that store, or the paint-your-own-pottery shop with the two Pugs that hate toddlers, or the bank building with the take your dog to work option.

It's their dogs in their stores, so no leashes are required. But, let me warn all dog owners if you take your dogs off leash to the park where my kids play, I have animal control on my speed dial, and I am not afraid to use it. Called 18 times last summer.

Just obey the leash laws; it is that simple.

The Cure

“Are you a dog-person,” a neighbor asked.

“No. They are okay from a distance, but that’s it,” I said.

“You should come over some time, and we’ll do some behavior modification,” she said.

“How are you going to modify the dog’s behavior?” I asked.

“No, not the dog’s, yours," she replied. 

Well dog lovers, there is no need for therapy or behavior modification to treat my cynophobia. The cure is simple: Keep your dog on a leash! 

Why Blog?

According to the Blog Herald as of July 2008, there were approximately 70 million blogs on the Internet, and there are certainly far more people who are writing blogs instead of reading them. So, why add another blog to the noise?

There are many reasons, but here are a few of my favorites:

• I am a sucker for peer pressure. Everyone is blogging, so why shouldn't I?
• Blogging is quick and dirty. Essay writing is an exhausting labor that involves hours of writing and re-writing and mountains of research. Blogging allows me to let the words out and move on without much commitment or hard work.  
• I am a perpetual attention seeker.
• I want all the boys who broke my heart to read my blog and regret the day that they dumped such a fine talent.
• I can give my point of view and tell my side of the story without having to pretend to care about other people's opinions or the actual truth.
• I want every person whoever met me to search my blog endlessly to see if I am writing about them. 
• It's my stage, so it's all about me, me, me. I will be the star of my narratives. This is not a place to showcase photographs of my kids, nor is my blog the venue to vent about my complex relationships with my parents, in-laws, and husband, I'll save that for therapy someday or just continue to complain about them behind their backs. 
• And, most importantly, I blog because it is cheaper than alcohol and antidepressants.
                                            

Bigger Makes a Better Barrier: The Sizable Debate about the Shrinking Reference Desk

Author’s Note: If you are not a librarian, this post will have you wishing that I wrote about Prince today.

While studying library science I opted not to take the library buildings class and instead enrolled in more practical classes like cataloging, collection development, and reference; I did not realize, at the time, how library buildings and library furniture would dominate much of the talk and trends in librarianship. In particular, the reference desk gets more attention than any other single piece of furniture –the academy and administrators claim it hinders service while traditionalist arguing it symbolizes everything that is trusted and beloved in libraries.

Library administrators and library science academes insist that “the reference desk is a barrier to service” and frequently want to abolish the reference desk or reduce its size so significantly to push reference staff onto the floor and into the stacks. There argument is both correct and incorrect. No, the desk does not prohibit great customer service and information retrieval. Yes, the desk is a physical barrier but for many good practical reasons:

Protection of the librarians: Although public libraries are typically safe places, there are times when patrons do become a threat to library staff. A reference desk helps to limit the physical access that a patron has to a staff member while at the same time not making patrons feel like criminals, which was my exact feeling during a recent trip to an area county courthouse to pay a traffic ticket. I thought that I accidentally walk into the visitor section of the jail as I watched people talk on phones and look at each other through glass barriers. I approached the security guard and said, “I must be in the wrong place. I am just here to pay a ticket.” He told me to go stand in line to use a phone. Given their unpleasantness and incompetence, glass barriers at the courthouse are a necessity. But, nothing this extreme is required in a public library setting.

Patron privacy: By conducting searches at a reference desk opposed to a centrally located catalog or counter-height Ask Station, staff is best able to protect patrons’ privacy, concealing both check-out records and their searches. For example, a woman approached me and whispered,” Can you help me with a search of very personal nature. I need to find my husband on the sex offenders list, and I don’t want people to see what I am doing.” I had her come around to my computer, and we did the search together. Similarly, while working at a joint-use community college/public library (that serves both children and adults without filters in the adult reference areas), I conducted, in about a three hour time period, patron searches for cybersex, sadomasochism, and burlesque. At our reference desk, the patrons were able to see my results without exposing any children to my findings.

Storage of staff materials: This point is so banal and rudimentary that it would never make a library journal or even a library management meeting, but it is a real concern. Librarians collect, store and use lots of stuff at the reference desk. Typically, the first thing consultants say during every library building audit is that desks are too cluttered, creating artificial patron barriers. This is probably true, but what can be sacrificed? We keep our Ready Reference behind the reference desk because we don’t want our most valuable or most frequently used materials, such as state statues, how to do your own divorce books, and Consumer Reports, walking off. We need to have our marketing materials near to push our latest and greatest electronic databases; and, summer reading prizes take up much space. Although summer reading is only three months of the year, those three months are among our busiest and most important periods, and there must be ample space to accommodate reading logs, prizes, and drawing boxes. Without a reference desk , alternative plans have to be made for summer reading materials, requiring more volunteers to make sure that the items remain untouched and are not stolen.

On-Desk versus off-desk work: This is another real life concern for librarians who work the reference desk far more than the two hours a day that is recommended by most library science professors. The average public librarian works the reference desk four to eight hours a day, which means they must perform some of their non-reference duties on the reference desk, such as collection development, repair& review, displays, booklist creation, program planning, outreach development, and story-time preparation. If the reference desk is removed, staff must be given a place and time to perform these tasks.

An immediate, well-marked point of service: A reference desk serves a focal point in the library where patrons with all different levels of information-seeking behavior can approach to ask variety of questions. Patrons assumes the person sitting at the reference desk will help them find what they are seeking whether it is the restrooms, a New York Times Best Seller, a Paula Deen cookbook, or a silent film on DVD. The concept is simple: one stop for all your information needs. This concept is eradicated when reference desks are removed and staff is roving around with electronic equipment and headsets.

Reference desk as a symbol for great library service: Although traditional reference desks swallow a substantial portion of prime library real estate that could be used possibly for display shelving or more computer terminals, the size of the reference desk symbolizes the power and authority of the librarian. A large desk in the middle of library gives the impression that the person behind the desk has the knowledge and skills to give you authoritative information that you want and need.

These are just a few things that should be considered when deciding to completly remove the reference desk or to put in a station so small that it loses many of its practical everyday usefulness. It is not necessary remove reference desks in order to use the roving reference approach of having your staff go into the stacks and onto floor to help customers at their points of need. But, let’s preserve the functionality, practicality and familiarity associated with the reference desk and spend our time thinking about real barriers to service, such as current legal identification being required for library cards; library fines and fees; staff not speaking the same languages as their patrons; books being shelved too high or too low for patrons to reach comfortably; and, limits on computer use and material check-outs being too restrictive.

Let’s think about real challenges that face our staff and patrons, and hold onto our references desks as bastions of clarity among information overload. Getting rid of the reference desk is like throwing out the books with the bubble wrap and packing peanuts. As a profession, let’s retain onto our reference desks just like we keep our books, and let’s embrace other forms of reference much like we adopt audio-books and e-books. No need for either/or.

The Tax of Public Service

I don’t want to be the one hundred and eighty third person in line for The Lost Symbol. I pay taxes, so I buy the books, and I think there should be more copies. Order more copies now.

You know that I voted for the bond that built this library, so I think your need to have the state statues at all your libraries because that is what I pay for.

I pay your salary, so I think you should proofread my paper.

I spend good money to support this library, and I don’t come here to see homeless people, who don’t pay taxes, sitting inside, milling around outside, and bathing in the sinks.

Dear Taxpayers,

Thank you for being a productive and responsible part of society by paying your taxes. Thanking for contributing to the purchase of our books, paying my salary, and telling me every day that you pay my salary. But, I just want you to know that librarians pay taxes too. We even have to pay our own library fines, and our patrons are not allowed to bathe in the library's sinks.

But feel free to continue to tell me that you pay my salary, and you’ll continue to see your tax dollars hard at work and smiling.

Thank you for your ongoing patronage,

Your Dutiful Public Librarian

A Plea for Help

Are you or someone you know a mean angry public library patron? Mean angry library patrons try to suck the life out of helpful and caring public librarians. The only cure is a lobotomy, which is not feasible. We can raise awareness about this issue. So, when you are posting on your Facebook and Twitter accounts for the cure for Autism, Cancer, Diabetes, heart disease, stupidity, nailing biting, chain smoking, and kleptomania (opposed to raising money or volunteering), please add angry library patrons to your list. Please remember librarians have feelings too and anything you can do to raise awareness about this issue would be much appreciated.

On Living in the Mountains

Spent my entire Appalachian childhood wanting to move somewhere with the motto: No snow boots or winter coats required.

Moved to the Rocky Mountains, where it snows from the beginning of October until the end of May.

Add that to the list of unachieved, unfilled childhood aspirations.

On Snow

Snow is beautiful and fun for about 13.5 minutes until a dog pees, a semi drives past, a snowball takes out your left jaw, frostbite settles in your toes, and shoveling sprains your back.

The Others V

“You are a great woman. You are smart and helpful and are really good with computers and you are always nice to me when other people are not,” said the homeless man who I assisted every day for over a year.

“Thank you, “ I said.

“You should let me take you to get a bite to eat sometime, so I can thank you for all your help,” he said.

“That is kind of you, but unnecessary.”

I stayed behind the desk and no hugs were exchanged as I wondered if I was being thanked or hit on.

The Others IV

For a week, a Vietnamese woman with limited English speaking skills and minimal computer knowledge came into the library to complete an online cosmetology test. I helped her log onto the testing site every day and answered technical questions for her during her allotted two hours.

At the conclusion of the week, she brought me a basket of candy, Vietnamese dried fruit, a postcard that displayed a Buddhist deity, and an small card with $7.00 in it.

I explained I was not allowed to accept gifts. She reached out, touched my expanded belly and said: “For your baby.”

I returned the presents and was the recipient of yet another patron hug.

The Others III

As I was relieving my co-worker from her shift at the reference desk, she said: “I know we aren’t supposed to do this, but please help that man pay his property taxes. He doesn’t speak much English, so it will just be faster if you do it instead of showing him.”

I approached the Hispanic man on Computer 14. He handed me his tax notice and bank account information. In less than five minutes, I had his property taxes paid. “

As he stood up, he shook my hand and slipped $20.00 into it. I told him that I was not allowed to accept money.

He said: “No, please go buy a Coke. Buy a Coke.”

I told him it was my job and a pleasure to help him, and I returned the money.

He hugged me and headed to the elevator.

The Others II

Being drawn to our display of bright colored orange, green, red, blue, and purple pens on the public library reference desk, a homeless man asked if the pens were free and how to get one.

The librarian who was working the desk with me that morning said: “You have to sign-up for our summer reading program.”

“Is there any other way than that to get one," he said.

“No," she said.

“Well, let’s get you signed-up for summer reading, and I’ll get you a pen,” I interjected.

Without a telephone number listed on his registration, it wasn’t likely that he could win one of the prize drawings, but he was not hoping for a shot at a gift card, he just wanted a pen.

He got a bright orange pen, and I garnered one more statistic for our library.

With his stack of books topped by a German-English dictionary, the man took his pen and said: ” Ma'am I promise, I’ll do my reading. I’ll come into the library every day and read for three hours. I promise.”

The Others

Author’s Note: There many websites and books that gather funny questions and comments from library patrons. This type of data collection makes me uncomfortable because I don’t think librarians should ever mock their patrons even anonymously. Among all the jokes at the patrons’ expense, I have seen very few stories that reveal the human-side of librarianship, and how working a public reference desk broadens a librarian’s exposure to the others, marginalized groups that mainstream society ignores, fears or demonizes. In my next few posts, I will share how my perspective and life has been enriched and changed by exposure to people that I probably would have never met if it were not for the public library.

While working the reference desk at a branch library, as a new librarian with less than seven weeks of experience, in the roughest part of the city with the highest crime rate and highest poverty level, a young black man in his mid-twenties asked me if I would help him apply for jobs online.

I promptly helped him sign onto a public computer and closely stood behind him to instruct him on which websites to search. As we got deeper into the search, he told me that he was living with his grandma and promised her that he would look for a good job. He wanted something local with minimal travel in trucking or warehousing.

By entering a few keywords, I found about 30 jobs for him to review. As I started to explain how to open the links to see if the employers wanted a resume or if the application was online, he interrupted me and said, “I need a place that will accept a convicted felon.”

My eyes were automatically drawn to his prison tattoos on his neck and arm as I tried to not reveal my alarm while simultaneously mapping out the fastest exit strategy. If he would have been a dog, he would have sensed my fear immediately. But unlike dogs that tend to interpret my anxiety as a signal to jump on and lick me, my patron would have considered my nervousness to be more discriminatory than stimulating. So, I pushed through the reference interview with a smile on my face and got so deeply involved in keyword searching that I stopped trying to guess his crime. Eventually, I located three places that accepted felony convictions. He applied for the jobs. I also introduced him to our resume making software and gave him some books on Internet job searching and resume writing.

After we finished, he shook my hand and thanked me repeatedly for my help.

Applicable Realizations for Cake Decorating and Life

1. Cake is not a jigsaw puzzle.
2. Icing is not glue.
3. Duct tape may salvage the appearance of your cake but most likely will render it inedible.

The Divide: What Side Do You Fall?

Author’s Note: It is hard work being shallow, bitter, angry and potty-mouthed full-time, so I have to give the Garbageman’s Daughter shtick a break and follow my more bookish tendencies. It is time to throw in my thoughts on library science alongside my sick kid stories, excessive Prince posts, literature name-dropping and low-brow humor.

Being startled by snickers and giggles, I raised my eyes from the computer screen at the reference desk. At eye-level view, I saw a thin waist covered in a khaki skirt and a hot pink satin blouse, as my eyes continued upward I saw an emaciated body that stretched about 6 feet 3 inches topped with scraggly blond hair, bold stripes of peach rouge on her cheeks, shimmering blue eye-shadow and an Adam’s apple. As the laughter and slurs were elevating, she asked me, “How do I get on EBSCO database?”

“Do you have a library card?” I asked.

“No,” she said.

“Do you have some form identification like a driver’s license, state ID or passport?” I said.

“I have a Visa card with my picture on it.”

“Go upstairs to circulation, and see what they can do. Come back downstairs, and I’ll set you up on a computer.” At the moment, I knew that circulation would not issue her a card, but restoring silence to my area and getting back to my stack of new books to label and display were my chief concerns.

Ten-minutes later she returned. “They won’t give me a card, so what are you going to do?” she asked.

“I am sorry without a library card. I am unable to get you on a computer. Would you like me to do the search for you?”

“No. It is personal. So, what are you going to do?” she insisted.

At that moment, my choices were to uphold library policy and turn her away without the authoritative information that she needed or break library policy by putting her on the computer with my personal library card. Service or Policy? Tough decision. I chose poorly.

I resolved to uphold policy over service, fearing consequences of breaking library policy. Following the rules caused me to fail a patron—a patron who was seeking accurate, authoritative information (presumably but necessarily about sex change operations). As I failed the patron, library administration failed me; with their strict computer usage policies, the library’s governing body perpetuated the digital divide, allowing library card ownership to be a barrier to access. Requiring all computer users to be library card holders continues to alienate many groups that live on the fringe of society without proper ID that legitimizes their existence. Groups that tend to fall in this category include the homeless, ex-convicts, illegal immigrants or non-English speaking legal immigrants, the marginally housed and partially employed, transients, and others whose identifying documents expired during periods of instability such as unemployment or an out-of state move.

For those of us who have current legal identification or a computer and Internet access at home, we are on the right side of the digital divide; we are the “technology-haves” opposed to the "technology have-nots” who do not have computer and Internet access. In theory, public libraries are suppose to bridge the gap for the "technology-have-nots," giving them free access to computers, computer software, databases and Internet to perform the electronic tasks that are becoming a necessity for job searching and filing government documents. But, if a library’s computer usage policies mirror their circulation policies, society’s marginalized groups are frequently denied both bibliographic and technological privileges.

Some library governing bodies decide that barriers are necessary to accurately report usage statistics, protect their property and track individuals who are breaking library policy. Although these limitations and restrictions vehemently defy guidelines established American Library Association (ALA), most public libraries are bureaucratic entities that are managed by a larger government machine, which is more concerned about budgets and risk-management than the free access to information. By setting these restrictions and limitations, city, county and state governments are placing a larger burden on their library staff. When staff cannot give patrons computer access, they frequently spend time doing searches for marginalized patrons. For instance, in my previous job, I spent a substantial amount of my time (probably at least 10-percent of my reference desk time or about 3 hours a week) assisting a homeless man find information on things such as “defending oneself in a drinking and driving case” and “how to fight against statutory rape charges.” I consistently served our regular patron who stayed at the library everyday from open to close, but he would have been better served by being able to perform his own searches with mediated assistance as necessary.

Libraries should look at how restrictive computer usage policies impact both patrons and staff. So, what should libraries do to ensure that the digital divide is not propagated?

1. Make database access available on your library catalogs. Do not require a library card for use. (You can still get those all-important tracking statistics, and only a minuscule amount of non-residential users will use the databases, so you do not have to worry too much about user community).

2. Have express stations that have short time limits that do not require a library card. (Depending on your computer management software program, you can issue temporary cards for 15 or 20 minutes sessions; have a staff person monitor the use, or have patrons self-govern based on the honor system).

3. Issue temporary or visitor passes with longer use periods for people who have expired or out-of-state IDs. This will provide more access without book check-out privileges.

4. Do not block computer access due to high overdue book fines, or set your block triggers around $20 or $25, although blocking computer use based on library fine balances could prevent patrons from applying for a job that would give them the money to pay the fine.

5. Keep printing fees as low as possible.

As society becomes more technology driven, there will be a greater and continual need for libraries to offer more electronic access to all citizens. We may need to shift some of the old governing paradigms, but libraries can continue to play an integral part in the promotion of technology literacy and access.

Mom-Blogger For a Day

Hand-drawn Mother's Day cards make 43 hours, 39 minutes, and 11 seconds of collective labor for four children totally worth it.

The fact that I had to give my tech-savy kids, who sent me an e-card a week ago for my birthday, a pile of crayons and a stack of construction paper with the instructions "get crackin and do a good job; block letters and hearts, please" does not dimish the sentiment at all.

Perfection

She cooks and cleans better than me. Her bake goods do not feature black, smoke emanating bottoms like mine do. Her hair is great with the right amount of body and no frizz. She smells like fresh peaches and is a natural leader with discipline and poise.

Under normal circumstances, I would hate her and call her a bitch. But, since she is just turning eight years old today and is my daughter, I think instead I will be satisfied that in a few years my beautiful, intelligent girl will declare me incompetent and take over the management of my household, allowing me to write all day and chase sleazy tramps away from my three boys.

What Is Wrong With You?

So, do you smile all the time because you are happy, not that bright, or really have no clue what people are saying about you?

Perplexed by Positivity

People, who read books with happy endings, smile all the time, hum cheerful tunes, and give God credit for all their accomplishments, confound me.

A Letter to the Characters of Mexico

Dear Cándido and América:

It is with great sadness that I write you today to tell you that most likely efforts for National Immigration Reform have been stymied and amnesty will not be achieved for those like you who put your lives in danger to seek the American Dream. Midterm election politics make it too tough to get such a polarizing, controversial law passed, so you are just out of luck until the politicians can work it into their schedules.

Perhaps if more people knew your story about coming to this country willing to work for pennies on the dollar that American citizens make, they would understand the cost and the value of pursuing the American Dream. América, in the early months of your pregnancy, you bravely stood among men day after day at the labor exchange waiting for work until you finally got the opportunity to clean a white rich man’s house; you kept working even as your skinned peeled from chemical exposure. You earned just $20 for a full day’s worth of sweat. Cándido, you too, waited at the labor exchange for hours often facing rejection but accepted every manual labor job available from pouring concrete to putting up fence post. You both were stolen from and cheated; you got your food from dumpsters and lived like animals in the woods while hiding your money under a rock in hope of achieving your goal of steady pay, a clean apartment, green cards and a secure life your family. You are hard working people willing to earn your food and keep; with the opportunity for amnesty, you would become tax-paying citizens and contribute to society if given a chance.

Unfortunately as you risk it for all the American Dream, most U.S. citizens are living the American Assumption, taking this country’s rights, liberties, freedoms and comforts all for granted. Although the United States is a land of immigrants, many citizens hail from families who have been here since the early waves of immigration in the late 1800s and early 1900s. For many of these citizens, their ancestries have been so watered down by many generations of interethnic marriages that frequently they forget or never learn their families’ origins; therefore, many U.S. citizens have presumed themselves to be some type of authentic, pure American with more legitimate cause to be here than other generations of immigrants. With each passing wave of immigration, there has been an urgency to close the gate. So, in a land of immigrants and a society of others, xenophobia and racism proliferates as each ethic group rejects another’s otherness.

However, Cándido and América, other people’s intolerance towards diversity is no excuse for breaking the law. Each case of illegal immigration makes a mockery out of legitimate immigration efforts made by people who willingly stand in a thorny, bureaucratic line to legally live and work in the United States. But in a system that is so broken and when the stakes for familial betterment are so high, your desperate actions are logical in such a chaotic, illogical climate that strongly outcries against illegal immigrants while clandestinely creating a wealth of jobs for illegals who are willing to work in occupations that most Americans find too demeaning or menial. Illegal immigrants find themselves living and working among the Great American Hypocrisy that denounces illegal immigration but needs migrant workers to keep its economy going. This tremendous hypocrisy will continue to intensify as the United States continues to fail both current citizens and illegal immigrants desirous of citizenship.

Regrettably, the federal government’s inability to act responsibility and competently has caused states like Arizona to take immigration law upon themselves, leading to the alienation and subjectification of Latinos, legal or illegal. It is tragic for the United States that intimidation and racial profiling are considered appropriate behavior for the government. But despite our country’s current intolerance and incompetence, the American Dream is the beautiful fabric that holds this country together. So, Cándido and América, I still encourage you to use legal channels to come to this amazing land of individuality, opportunity and freedom, and someday you can have that backyard with a tree and the chickens that you desire.

Best of luck,

Garbageman’s Daughter

Politically Incorrect First Impressions

Mark Haddon's The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time reads like The Diary of a Wimpy, Autistic Kid with its gimmicky pictures and simple jokes.

On Rejection

The average writer receives 40 to 60 rejection letters for every acceptance letter.

Those were my exact dating statistics.

I am married now.

On Writing Professionally

Do you expect everyone you know who exercises to become a professional athlete?

Unfortunate Law for a Land of Immigrants

“It's shameful, too, that the Obama administration has allowed...this to become more of a racial issue by perpetuating this myth that racial profiling is a part of this law,” said Sarah Palin on the new Arizona immigration law

Not racial profiling? How many pasty white, green-eyed redheads and sun-kissed, blue-eyed blondes are going to have to show their papers?

The Birthday Present

The traditional birthday card contained a small piece of paper, probably 2 x2, with a beautiful sample of a hot pink, black, and white abstract painting; the colors mixed asymmetrically with the right amount of random splatter and an intriguing touch of impasto – really quite lovely.

The twist: the miniature painting was created by me.

This piece of paper came from a long abstract painting session with my best friend from college who created gorgeous fascinating works worthy of display while I produced messy, muddy heavy paint soaked papers that led me to a quite melodramatic “I have no artistic talent and don’t deserve to breathe the same air as anyone who does” meltdown, which occurred almost weekly during my college days.

This gesture was made to quell my artistic inferiority complex and was one of the most thoughtful and uplifting gifts that I have ever received. Although the card was lost in the transition from college student to bill-paying adult, the message stays with me: Beauty can be found even in the muddiest of messes.