Let Me Tell You Why You Are a Starving Artist

Dear Small-Time, Small-Venue Performers:

These days, I hear you call yourself a starving artist, living hand to mouth on the art that you make or perform. Well, have you ever wondered why you are not a well-fed, plump artist? Well, let me tell you, artists who eat, do the following: answer their phones, return emails, send out emails to get gigs; and, have a website that works. The really well-fed ones have a performer Facebook page.

If you are a performer and you make your living by performing then you need to make it easy for people like me (a public librarian) to hire you. You can do this by getting a phone and remembering to pay the bill. Cell phone or landline, really doesn’t matter as long as you keep it turned on. If you have a website, it needs to be updated more than once a decade with full descriptions of what you do, videos of your performance, a list of past performances, and current contact information. Make sure your email address works and check your email regularly. If keeping an Internet provider for your email address is a problem, use a cloud service like Hotmail, Gmail or Yahoo.

And by all means, if you can get an email that says, "I may be interested in hiring you," which really means "I will pay you for your talent,” you certainly should answer that email promptly. It is absolutely unacceptable to check your email every two months and then be shocked when I already booked someone else for the performance.

I should not have to contact one of your colleagues from ten years ago or hunt down a venue where you played for an hour about four years ago. I should not have to ask a librarian in a city many miles away for your phone number and email. This is not good business for anyone. This wastes my time, and it means potentially no income for you.

Even if you are on a hiatus from performing or if your group has disbanded, it is your responsibility to set-up an automatic reply email that provides that information. If you are on tour, busy, or just experiencing a lazy streak, you need to send an automatic reply email that says you will be reply within 72-hours. Then, you need to actually reply, so an event planner can move on quickly if you are unavailable.

Although there are seems to be an endless supply of starving artists out there, event planners for institutions like libraries, schools, nursing homes, senior centers, museums, recreational centers and children’s hospitals tend to have specific needs that must be filled by specific types of performers. In other words, if you specialize in performances for children or multicultural presentations, you will be in high demand. Sometimes depending on your geographical area and local demographics, you may be the only performer that fits an institution’s need. For instance, if you do African stories and you live in rural Iowa, you are going to get a lot of calls during Black History Month. You need to be prepared to answer in a timely fashion to not cause panic and worry for the scheduler who may be banking on you and you alone for her multicultural celebration. If you perform Hispanic dance or music and you live Texas, you better answer those emails quickly and with a reasonable quote, or the planner will just find someone else.

Non-profits (especially libraries) have a specific methodology for planning events for their communities; it is not party planning. A performance in a downtown library which serves people of all racial, ethnic and economic backgrounds is not the same as little Sally’s birthday party in the suburbs, so you need to be aware of your market and their needs. A random clown can work anywhere but will be competing against other random clowns. A clown who creates his show around the summer reading program theme in his area can most likely work every day all summer long. Know your area and create a niche for yourself.

In regards to higher-paying gigs in the for-profit sector, I have limited information on their procedures because as a committed non-profit-making librarian I tend to shun those who use skills similar to mine to actually earn a livable wage. But, I do know libraries and will leave you with a few “musts” if you want to have a successful career as a small venue performer.

1. Keep all contact information current and updated regularly.
2. Make video or audio recordings of your performances available on your website.
3. Occasionally send emails to libraries and other non-profits announcing your services.
4. Know your niche and market prior to peak times. Multicultural performers need to be targeting venues about three to six months before to a specific heritage month. Children’s performers need have their performances for summer reading in place at least nine months to one year in advance.
5. Keep your fees within reach of non-profits. Libraries tend to have limited budgets but are very good, solid customers. They pay on time and will recommend you when contacted by other libraries if you are entertaining and professional.
6. Arrive on time. Seems obvious, but tardiness is a huge problem in the arts community.
7. Maintain courteous prompt communication from the time of the initial contact until the final performance. Confirmation calls prior to performance are essential.
8. Remember to take your cell phone with you on the way to performance.
9. Figure out driving directions in advance and allow time to get lost.
10. If you are feeling overwhelmed by any part of the process from booking to marketing to collecting payment, consider hiring a booking agency. Many specialize in small venue performances and charge fair fees. In most cases their fees, are just tacked onto the performance price resulting in higher cost for the library and not subtracting from your profit.

Simply, by following these ten steps, you will go from starving artist to well-fed artist in no time.

Sincerely,
Garbageman’s Daughter

An Open Letter to Prince: A Few Thoughts on Your Comeback Tour

Dear Prince:

As you may know, Whitney Houston is dead. Michael Jackson is dead. Some people may call this a tragedy. I call it opportunity. Yes, Prince Rogers Nelson, this is an opportunity for you to prey upon people’s fears. Fears of you dying before they see you in concert. Fears of their own morality. As their favorite pop stars from their childhood continue to perish; they start to wonder if you are next or if they are next. Now is the time to capitalize on these worries by announcing the “See Me Before I Drop Dead Tour.”

On this tour, you need to break out the hits from the 1980s and keep your crappy, overproduced music from the 1990s and your nice but overlooked music from the 2000s deep in your fault. You need to give your fans a little of your hump the piano freak show. Once you start humping that piano, why don’t you just play all your filthy ditties and make it the “Dirty Forever Tour.” Bring all those freaky hits on the road: “Head”, “Jack U Off”,and” Let’s Pretend We’re Married.” Of course, you must perform Erotic City, not the instrumental version that you have been teasing fans with for a decade, but the full vocal, “We can fuck until the dawn, making love 'til cherry's gone” rendition.
This is what people want. Real people; people who have more or less forgotten about you. Ignore your 47 hardcore fans who whine and complain every time that you play “Purple Rain” or “Kiss.” And, only want you to do set-lists of the unreleased but heavily bootlegged favorites such “Empty Room” and “Wonderful Ass.” Those fans do not matter; they are crazy (says the woman who rationally writes you an open letter nearly every month).

You owe it to your fans to give them the salaciousness that they desire. Give them the shagging songs they crave. Actually, you owe it to this fan, who finally got out from under her parents' control, moved near a big city, and scraped up enough money for a ticket, the year that you stopped saying “fuck.” The wholesome, religious Prince is a has-been, wash-up who appeals to no one but a few fringe Prince fans (who like me buy everything you put out no matter how crappy it is; reads every ridiculous and embarrassing thing that you say; looks at every freaky photoshopped image that makes you look like youthful alien from the “land of once cool, now pathetic rock stars.” Seriously man, you are not Dorian Gray; there is no harm in growing old).

Prince, I know you will not go for this idea. You have repeatedly shunned the past and have done just about everything you possibly can do to permanently ruin your legacy by being a litigious, unfaithful, smug prick whose failed marriages, destroyed friendships, bad business deals, lawsuits against fans and vitriolic statements about burqas, gays, and the Internet have at times overshadowed your musical genius.
  
But whether you want to or not, this is what needs to be done. It is time relive the past, don the purple lamé trench coat and play “Baby, I’m a Star” until your high-heels on your boots break. This is what fans want. I know this because this is what people tell me. Yes, people me tell—as if I were your personal assistant or manager—that they want to see you in concert before they die or before you die.
If I were your manager you would not be a has-been; you would still get radio play like the Madonna who is still as charismatic but talentless as ever; you would have never scrawled “slave” on your face; you would have manned up and maturely finished your contact with Warner Bros. with the quality of music expected from a musician of your stature; you would have never sued fans for enduring enough pain to put your symbol on their bodies or loving you so much that they videotaped their babies dancing to your music. And certainly, you would be doing the “See Me Before I Drop Dead Tour.”

Because you know, no matter how much Botox you get or how many girls you bang who are younger than “Purple Rain,” you will eventually die. So, why not make a ton of that money and give fans what we desperately want…how your music made us feel back in the day. Please let us relive that one more time before you drop dead.

Best Regards,
Garbageman’s Daughter
Devoted Fan for 29 Years and 4 Months