The Smack Of Life

Silence. No crying kids. No bloody noses or split open lips. School yards and gym classes around the country are void of tradition and the rite of passage. Yes, it is true. The travesty known as the “dodge ball ban” is being spread across the country.

This wrong must righted as I implore schools and recreation centers to not deprive children of a good smack in the face that is needed as a stinging, bright red reminder that life is hard. Yes, it is dangerous. Yes, it is violent. But so is life off the playground. Just about everything that I needed to know about the world, I learned from a brutal game of dodge ball.

• Move fast, stay tough, be aware, watch for your competition or your face will be bloodied.
• Do not cry! No matter how much it hurts, do not cry. Crying is just like peeing your pants in school. Once it happens, the stigma follows you forever and you will never be redeemed.
• People who hate you certainly will use any opportunity to beat the hell out of you with smiles on their faces and in the name of good fun. They will say it is just a game and is not personal. It is never just a game and it is always personal.
• Being picked last for a dodge ball team is damaging to the ego but being picked last to have your nose-bloodied might not be so bad.
• Being slow means you are out of the game first, but that allows you more time to enjoy the demise of others.
• Although unlikely, it is plausible that your opponents will experience head injuries and die on the spot. Sometimes the hope of a blood-spewing aneurism that is messier than a Gremlin being blown up in a microwave is the only thing that helps one get through the day.

Why should today’s youth be deprived of these life lessons? Let dodge ball live!