Funny Sh*t My Son Says

How did Oscar Wilde’s parents discipline him? How much time did Dorothy Parker spend in time-out? Perhaps it is a little presumptuous and even a little egotistical to compare myself to the parents of two of most witty writers to ever live. Perhaps my child isn't the next Oscar Wilde but he is exceptionally witty and clever. Simply put: He is the funniest person that I ever met.
So to commemorate my first son's thirteenth birthday. Here are some of his witticisms:

• I got an idea. Let me do your taxes and you can let me keep all the money I save you.
• If college doesn’t work out, I can be the guy who makes guacamole at Chipotle. I make delicious guacamole.
• I could never be rock star because I could not wear skinny jeans.
• Mom, are all your friends cooler than you?
• “About 90-percent of the people I meet are dumbasses,” he said, which triggers a disapproving look from his mother. “Have you never been to middle school? If I didn’t cuss, they would think I was a freak.’
• The difference between Madonna and Prince is that Madonna is a woman and Prince just acts like one.
• The only thing, Mom, that could make this Prince song worse is your dancing.
• We don’t entertain. We go to other people’s houses for entertainment.
• I cannot be funny on spot. I need to mock others and feed off their stupidity to truly be hilarious.
• I don’t debate for fun. I debate because other people are stupid and I need to let them know that.
• You just say that you are supporter of the arts to make yourself look better and smarter. No one really gives a crap about the arts.
• Mom, I sounded so smart in science class…No, mom that was sarcasm. I was talking about cabbage. No one sounds smart talking about cabbage.
• I don't really enjoy writing and even work that hard at it. I am just good at it with no effort all.

Happy Birthday to my dear son who has the perfect combination of smarts, wit, good looks and charm to become a great man and inspiring leader since he already is a great son and brother.