Honey, You Need a New Thesaurus

Congratulations, Kristen Stewart, for managing to piss off every women’s group and sexual crime awareness organization on the planet as well as most of womankind and probably a lot of men too. If you are not too busy chasing vampires or bitching about your life to reporters, you need to find a new thesaurus because rape and fame are not the same thing. Rape is a violent crime. Fame is the thing that is fleeing expeditiously from you.

However, there are more lessons to learn here than merely rape sensitivity. Let’s first start with a very well-known fact: Reporters are not trustworthy and have the power to be vindictive. Complaining to reporters about others reporters is not likely to win you much sympathy or a positive spin. When you say stupid shit, they will publish it to sell magazines – the simple economics of stupidity.

Second, you need to hire a handler that will first prevent you from saying stupid shit and will fix it immediately when you fuck-up. Yes, you need a fuck-up preventer.

Third, never use illness, disabilities, sexual assault, the Holocaust, slavery, or war as metaphors. These politically sensitive topics will do nothing but tick off activist groups and draw unsavory attention.

So for now Kristen, the best thing to do is keep your mouth shut; continue to make those grumpy “get out of my space” faces for the camera, and wait for your star to fade. Your wish will come true around the same time that publishers stop giving Stephenie Meyer money to write ghastly books. In a year or two, you’ll be making a sex tape, auditioning for Dancing with the [Washed-Up] Stars , or doing a stint on Celebrity Rehab to reclaim the fame that you abhor.

May all your wishes of obscurity come true, sweetheart.

Arrested Vampirism

As a person who has been t.v. free almost two years now, I am pretty sheltered from the Twilight hoopla, except for when I check Facebook.

Let me tell you: “June 30th” is not interesting status update. It is equivalent to “I can’t wait for my first date,” “Only two days till I’m ungrounded,” and “Orlando Bloom is hot.”

You are all a bunch and thirty and forty-somethings. Are there any other tween and teen trends, you would like to cling onto like Silly Bandz, henna tattoos, or “vodka eyeballing.”

Here is an idea for a status update: “Today, I grew up and threw away my Twilight t-shirt.” If that doesn’t work try: “I just gained some literary taste and read a book with a complex plot and metaphors.”

A Romantic Among Bloodsuckers

Am I the only person who doesn’t find blood-sucking sexy? Is it only me who has no interest in being seduced by dog-like humans or human-like dogs? 

However, the fact that Dr. John Polidori's 1819 short story "The Vampyre," was inspired by his sexually adventurous, voraciously passionate and fearlessly poetic patient Lord Byron is just damn sexy. 

Do you think the teens would notice if I slipped a little Lord Byron in with their copies of Twilight and Vampire Academy? (Such an inappropriate thought for a public librarian.)