Modern Day Penny Candy

Twelve root beer barrels, twenty red Swedish fish, and six pieces of double bubble, three jawbreakers, two bubble gum cigarettes, and a strip of candy buttons: This was my typical order at the local corner store on my way home from school. I did not have a lot of money, but a few nickels and dimes were enough to bring me quick satisfaction at a low cost.

I recently had this same feeling while shopping in Apple’s application store. Everything is priced to sell quickly to capitalize on impulsive shopping and the human urge to want something for nothing or close to nothing. So far, I have only downloaded free applications. Even with free, there is a cost: Time.

In the time it took me to select and download four different list makers, I could have crossed off three to four actual items on a real to-do list written on paper. I could have watched three movies during the time I spent on the Moviefone app., and I probably could have flown to New York, toured the MoMA and flew home during the time I was lost in the museum’s wonderfully textured and detailed free application.

So although sticky notes for the iPhone are not as delectable as Necco wafers, the penny candy of the 21st Century is just as sweet as the original but gentler on the waistline and teeth.

The Great Halloween Debacle

Substanially less than their typical Halloween loot.

“Mom, you are a trick or treating failure,” said the caustic eleven-year-old in the adorable oversized Luigi costume that made him look like a nine-year-old.

“This is the worst Halloween ever. We should have kept dad and sent you to Philadelphia. He is great at trick or treating. We always get more candy and have more fun with him,” he yelled at me while walking in our quiet neighborhood populated with old people who don’t turn on their lights.

“Good. That was my goal to make your Halloween suck. Glad I succeeded,” I yelled back. “I took you down the street with the big houses thinking they would have the best candy. Sorry for trying something different.”

“I hate Halloween. It is a stupid holiday,” he responded.

The eight-year-old Snow Princess chimes in, “I just wanted to go down the hill like dad always takes us. But oh no, mom is too lazy. She is too wimpy to push the stroller back up the hill.”

“I love Halloween,” interrupted the three-year-old who is also dressed like Luigi from the Super Mario Brothers.

“You are so sweet. Do you want to go to more houses?”

“Can we go home now?” said the gorgeous olive skinned six-year-old suitably dressed as Mario.

“Sure, because I just spent an hour getting all of you ready just so we can go home 35 minutes later.”

We open the door. The kids grudgingly throw their candy on the table.

“Pathetic,” said the oldest.

“Don’t take off your mustaches. I need pictures,” I said.

All three mustaches and hats hit the floor followed by the princess headdress.

“Hats back on and stand against the wall, so I can get a damn picture. Stand up straight and smile”

“You get three tries and then we are out of here,” said the disgruntled pre-teen.

“One. Two. Three. We are done.”

They took off running.

“Worst Halloween ever. What was the point? I am going to bed.” The group followed him, depriving me of my usual hugs and kisses.

“Good. Happy Halloween.”

Lights off for the kids and a three candy bar night for me.

Back Off Dentists: Their Mouths Are Rotten But Their Teeth Are Clean



Four kids but five toothbrushes.
Guess my teeth looked plague encrusted too.

Dear Dentists and Other Fun Ruiners Obsessed with Dental Hygiene:

Please allow me to enlighten you and share a well-known secret among fun, lighthearted germy people, toothbrushes are not treats! In fact, putting a toothbrush in the bag of a wide-eyed, smile-flashing, costume-clad toddler is just cruel. So cruel that my three-year-old cried when a bristle stick was thrown in his sack of goodies.

Thank you for generosity but my children already have toothbrushes, and we don’t give a damn about your anti-candy campaign. So next time, throw us some Tootsie Rolls, Double Bubble gum, Kit Kats or even some stickers, but please keep your toothbrushes to remedy your own sick, plaque fetishes.

Sincerely,

Garbageman’s Daughter and Her Traumatized Three-Year-Old

Sweet Absurdity

“November Fourth is National Candy Day. We could celebrate by donating our kids’ leftover Halloween candy. What do you think?” asked the goodhearted mother of four.

Waiting, waiting…okay, I am ready. Crack a smile or lay the punch line on me. Nope. Nothing. She is serious. She has lost her mind and wants to give away candy—my candy, well my kids' hard-earned candy—four days after Halloween, the second best candy holiday in the realm of candy holidays. It is only second behind Easter due to the quality. Cadbury Eggs and Russell Stover Easter Eggs are made from a far superior type of milk chocolate than your run-of-the-mill Kit Kats and Hershey’s Milk Chocolate Bars that are frequently dispensed on Halloween night.

“You look pale? You don’t like the idea, do you?” she asked.

How do I tell someone so smart, energetic and positive that her idea might be the most asinine plan I have heard since Prince recorded 20Ten and decided to not release it in the United States. At this moment, this candy initiative is making Prince look like a business mastermind.

“What kind of person gives their own candy away? Why would I do that? Why would anyone do that? I am afraid I cannot endorse a service project that involves the sacrifice of any sugar-related items. Let’s just donate gloves or pencils or something, ” I said with a positive and supportive “let’s go team” attitude.

Yes, my candy is safe. However, I like the idea of telling my kids that we are going to donate their candy. I’ll say we are giving it to old people so they can have few morsels of delight before they croak. This is a much better option than “the tooth fairy stole it to protect your teeth.” Last year, my son did not believe that the State Legislature of Dentists mandated a three pieces of candy per child per month law. He threatened to Google it; I threatened to take away cake, cookies and brownies away too. He dropped his challenge, and I safely tucked the remaining Halloween candy into my underwear drawer. Yes, the candy donation story is a much more believable story, and I’ll be celebrating national Candy Day with a nice drawer full of candy.

National Candy Day is my new favorite candy holiday.

Author’s Note: After I had 24 hours to recover from the idea that anyone would be willing to give away their stash of candy, I actually think it is a pretty good idea. There are number charities that accept donated candy, so I’ll be passing on details soon once I find local options. Stayed tuned and if you are feeling extra generous there is a garbageman’s daughter out there who is accepting any and all candy donations.

Candy

Milk chocolate candy bars, gummy worms, chocolate-covered cherries, or Sour Patch Kids. It doesn’t really matter. I am not that picky about my breakfast. Yes, I said breakfast, so please withdraw that judgment you just passed on me. It’s not like I am cooking up Meth in the garage. I never eat my sugary meal in front of the kids, and I always tell them that I eat a well-balanced breakfast high in protein and loaded with whole grains before they wake. Sometimes my daughter finds the wrappers only to scold with me the words, “Mom, you can’t eat sugar for breakfast and it is not good to lie either.” I refrain saying it is a coping strategy and instead make the kids chocolate chip pancakes covered in blueberry syrup a touch of a powered sugar and a dollop of whipped cream. The mood turns happy (for about three hours).

Sweet Rewards

Two weeks ago, my husband left me with four kids as he took off for Germany. I sent him with a duffel bag and clear instructions on what to bring back. No complicated, frivolous or expensive requests. I only requested one thing: Candy.

He delivered.

There is no substitute for my husband being at home with us, but if I had to come up with partially satisfying replacements, candy, marzipan, and loose leaf black tea would be good starts.

Thank you, my sweet husband.

Don’t Choke on the Bratwurst

Dear Husband:

I hope you are reading this upon your safe arrival in Germany. Thank you for checking my blog, so you can be closer to me despite the ocean that separates us. Romantic. Now please open your suitcase. In the top left pocket, you will find a picture of our four beautiful, smiling, and quiet children. Cute. They are quiet because you have a pixel representation of them. I will have the not so quiet version for fourteen days by myself, which brings me to the next item you will find. In the large pocket in the left bottom, you will discover a neatly folded black duffle bag. You are to take this duffle bag to one or two chocolatiers in Germany and load it up. Four kids for fourteen days alone, there is not enough chocolate in the world, but this will be a good start. Please leave room for the cookies and pastries that you will purchase the morning of your departure. The foil that you will find inside the duffle bag will keep the items fresh. (Simply repeat the procedure you used to bring me chocolate-filled donuts from Dunkin’ Donuts in Chicago since that donut shop does not exist anywhere near our health conscious community.)

The bag needs to be so full of confections that the customs officers peg you for either a freak or a criminal or maybe both. When you are asked why you have a bag full of chocolates, cookies, and pastries, simply respond: “I am neither freak nor criminal. I dearly love my wife who has made my children 42 meals, given 14 baths, changed 84 diapers, read 29 stories, and broken up at least 32 fights while I have been enjoying bratwurst, sauerkraut, spaetzle, and strudel, sleeping alone in a comfortable bed, watching television free of Diego and Dora, and touring castles each evening after work. I hope she accepts these gifts as a gesture of my gratitude and adoration because my lovely wife is sweeter than the world’s sweetest chocolate.”

Since the second part isn’t likely to happen, pick up some Turkish Delight too.

Have a safe journey and return home to me soon.

Your Adoring and Long-Suffering Wife