The Haircut

 “Justin Bieber got a haircut and it looks stupid,” she said as entered her family’s mini-van.  

“Well, hello to you too. And, just so you know a talentless pop star’s hair is no concern of yours. Smart girls think about their future and their needs. They think about their homework and getting the best grade in the class. As a smart girl, you should take pride in the fact that you are learning both Spanish and Chinese. You should be proud that you are as good at math as any boy in your class. You don’t have to worry about silly boys and their stupid hair because you are a smart.”

Before I could say that to my ten-year-old daughter, I saw this image:

 

Hundreds of my hours have been lost looking at, daydreaming about and obsessing over this man’s hair. You cannot love Prince’s music and not have strong emotions about his hair. Just can’t be done.  Now when I say hundreds of hours, I am not talking about flipping through Tiger Beat when I was a kid and Prince was a pop phenomenon.  I am talking about putting the kids in front the T.V. with a bag of goldfish, so I could read the endless chatter about the Purple Wonder’s  follicles.

There is one theory that he keeps his short when he is in love. (Disagree. His hair  was shaggy and sexy when he was married to Mayte.)  Then, there is the belief that he changes his hairstyle based on type of musical genre he is pursuing at the time. Short hair for the French-style music of 40s in Under the Cherry Moon and long, rock-n-roll hair for Graffitti Bridge. Then of course, everyone wants to know if he wears a wig or hair plugs.

Personally, the pictures of Prince with long hair induces much rapid hand-fanning and longing gauzes at the computer screen on my part. And, I do love the new Afro because it makes me think back to the days when he was young and was just plain filthy.

So with this image dancing around in my head:

 

I answered, “His hair will grow back. Look at Julia Roberts and Kerri Russell. They both endured bad haircuts and survived. However, cutting Justin Timberlake’s curls was just a bad idea. Those cute little ringlets distracted from the fact that boy just can’t sing.”

  

 

An Open Letter to Prince: A Few Thoughts on Your Comeback Tour

Dear Prince:

As you may know, Whitney Houston is dead. Michael Jackson is dead. Some people may call this a tragedy. I call it opportunity. Yes, Prince Rogers Nelson, this is an opportunity for you to prey upon people’s fears. Fears of you dying before they see you in concert. Fears of their own morality. As their favorite pop stars from their childhood continue to perish; they start to wonder if you are next or if they are next. Now is the time to capitalize on these worries by announcing the “See Me Before I Drop Dead Tour.”

On this tour, you need to break out the hits from the 1980s and keep your crappy, overproduced music from the 1990s and your nice but overlooked music from the 2000s deep in your fault. You need to give your fans a little of your hump the piano freak show. Once you start humping that piano, why don’t you just play all your filthy ditties and make it the “Dirty Forever Tour.” Bring all those freaky hits on the road: “Head”, “Jack U Off”,and” Let’s Pretend We’re Married.” Of course, you must perform Erotic City, not the instrumental version that you have been teasing fans with for a decade, but the full vocal, “We can fuck until the dawn, making love 'til cherry's gone” rendition.
This is what people want. Real people; people who have more or less forgotten about you. Ignore your 47 hardcore fans who whine and complain every time that you play “Purple Rain” or “Kiss.” And, only want you to do set-lists of the unreleased but heavily bootlegged favorites such “Empty Room” and “Wonderful Ass.” Those fans do not matter; they are crazy (says the woman who rationally writes you an open letter nearly every month).

You owe it to your fans to give them the salaciousness that they desire. Give them the shagging songs they crave. Actually, you owe it to this fan, who finally got out from under her parents' control, moved near a big city, and scraped up enough money for a ticket, the year that you stopped saying “fuck.” The wholesome, religious Prince is a has-been, wash-up who appeals to no one but a few fringe Prince fans (who like me buy everything you put out no matter how crappy it is; reads every ridiculous and embarrassing thing that you say; looks at every freaky photoshopped image that makes you look like youthful alien from the “land of once cool, now pathetic rock stars.” Seriously man, you are not Dorian Gray; there is no harm in growing old).

Prince, I know you will not go for this idea. You have repeatedly shunned the past and have done just about everything you possibly can do to permanently ruin your legacy by being a litigious, unfaithful, smug prick whose failed marriages, destroyed friendships, bad business deals, lawsuits against fans and vitriolic statements about burqas, gays, and the Internet have at times overshadowed your musical genius.
  
But whether you want to or not, this is what needs to be done. It is time relive the past, don the purple lamé trench coat and play “Baby, I’m a Star” until your high-heels on your boots break. This is what fans want. I know this because this is what people tell me. Yes, people me tell—as if I were your personal assistant or manager—that they want to see you in concert before they die or before you die.
If I were your manager you would not be a has-been; you would still get radio play like the Madonna who is still as charismatic but talentless as ever; you would have never scrawled “slave” on your face; you would have manned up and maturely finished your contact with Warner Bros. with the quality of music expected from a musician of your stature; you would have never sued fans for enduring enough pain to put your symbol on their bodies or loving you so much that they videotaped their babies dancing to your music. And certainly, you would be doing the “See Me Before I Drop Dead Tour.”

Because you know, no matter how much Botox you get or how many girls you bang who are younger than “Purple Rain,” you will eventually die. So, why not make a ton of that money and give fans what we desperately want…how your music made us feel back in the day. Please let us relive that one more time before you drop dead.

Best Regards,
Garbageman’s Daughter
Devoted Fan for 29 Years and 4 Months

Let’s Play a Game: Dad or Prince

I am a dedicated wife. I am a hardcore Prince fan. I have been romantically linked to my husband for nearly 16 years and married to him for 13 years. I have been listening to Prince regularly for 29 years. Sometimes my dedication to the Purple One makes things a little uncomfortable in my marriage, especially when my twelve-year-old son asks questions while trapped in the car.

Hey Mom, Prince is a stupid name. What is his real name?

Prince Rodgers Nelson. Prince really is his birth name. His dad named him after his band, Prince Rodgers Trio.

What is Dad’s real name?

Birth name Tommy. Legally changed to Thomas when you were a baby. Goes by Tom. He is Dad to you.

Where was Prince born? Minneapolis, Minnesota

Where was Dad born? Orange, Texas.

When’s Prince’s birthday? June 7

When's Dad’s birthday? December 26.

Mom, I think you know more about Prince than dad.

No, I don’t. I know everything about your father and I know almost nothing about Prince.
Who was Prince’s first girlfriend?

Don’t know. Not playing this game. (Impossible to point to just one, but Susan Moonsie, who joined Vanity 6, was Prince’s high school girlfriend.)

Who was Dad’s first girlfriend?”

Not playing this game, kid. (Tina, Toni, Renee or something like that.)

What was Prince’s first job?

Don’t know. Don’t care. Time to move on. (Not sure that he did much but make music. Wrote first song when he was seven, first demo tape done in 1976 and first album released in 1978 when he was 19 years old.)

What’s was Dad’s first job?

Not playing this game but I know for a fact he bagged groceries at Wal-Mart. Your nanny made him walk to work.

What did Prince do in high school?

How would I know? (Played basketball and many instruments)

What did Dad do in high school? Football and baseball. He was great athlete unlike your mother.

So, Mom how many books have read about Prince?

None. I read an article about Prince in Teen Beat the year that Purple Rain came out. That is extent of my biographical knowledge, so let it go.
   
Mom, every time I use the computer, Prince.org is open.

Keep it up and I got three words for you: Computer Password Protected.

All right then. Dad, where are we going for dinner?

Yet Another Open Letter to Prince: Why Are You Such an Embarrassment to Your Fans?

Dear Prince:

Months ago, I promised my husband that I would no longer write open letters to you on my blog because it is not a productive use of time for a mother of four, and my correspondence makes me look moderately crazy. But, you did again it and once again I am willing to look insane for your sake. You did something so asinine that I feel behooved as a fan to give you some advice. Shut up! Stop talking and do not give interviews at all.

You have always been a bit of a freakish embarrassment to your fans, but the majority of your most dedicated fans love your crazy ass despite your ramblings that make you look like a semi-retarded, seriously mentally ill nincompoop. But this time you went too far with this mouthful of sexism and racism that recently appeared in the Guardian, "It's fun being in Islamic countries, to know there's only one religion. There's order. You wear a burqa. There's no choice. People are happy with that." When asked about the fate of those unhappy with having no choice, he replied: "There are people who are unhappy with everything. There's a dark side to everything."

It’s fun to not have a choice and to be told what to do by the government? It is fun for women to be suppressed? Suppression equals happiness and fighting for equality is the “dark side?” To try to explain your reasoning for this vitriol would be as difficult as explaining why you wore assless pants or wrote "slave" on your face. Just one more inexplicable stupid ass thing for your fans to accept just like your conspiracy theory that the government is using chemtrails to keep the black man down and your profound observation that the “Internet is dead.” In fact, this statement is just as about as open-minded and progressive as “God came to earth and saw people sticking it wherever and doing it with whatever, and he just cleared it all out. He was, like, Enough."

Although there is no end to your imbecility, you receive unconditional love from your most dedicated fans. You are adored despite the fact you are a crazy old man who wants to seem like an intellectual, but in reality you spent your youth writing brilliant songs about fucking opposed to getting a higher education. Now that you are a distinguished musician who has won just about every award possible in the music industry, you don’t know what to do with yourself. Really the answer is simple. Stop talking, go release the 25 minute version of Xtralovable that your fans desperately want to hear; lock yourself up in the studio; continue to bang your pretty little ballerina (who is young enough to be your daughter) for inspiration and get back to writing sex-laden songs.

Please no more nonsense about gays, chemtrails, the Internet, women or religion. Your social commentary is not wanted or needed. Your music on the other hand is. You are musician, so go make music.

Forever Always Your Fan,

Garbageman’s Daughter

An Open Letter to Gwyneth Paltrow: How Could You?

Dear Gwyneth:

How could you do it? Why did you do it? Why did you agree to perform Kiss as a duet with Matthew Morrison on Glee? Are you that desperate for money and popularity among young people? You made a horrendous misstep that I will never be able to forgive. There are just some songs that cannot and should not be covered. And when I say “some songs” I am referring to any song by Prince. There is no one on the planet that can perform a Prince song better or even remotely as good as Prince. He is a musical marvel. To try to imitate his musical genius is simply insulting and in this case merely sounds like really bad karaoke.

Kiss is not only one Prince’s biggest hits of his career. It is one of the biggest of the 1980s and probably one of the biggest hits ever. This song is so fantastic that in the mid-80s when Prince originally wrote the song, he intended it to go to his protégée group, Mazarati. After hearing how the band re-orchestrated it, he said, “This is too good for you guys. I am taking it back as my own.” Thus proving once again that Prince is both a music mogul and a royal prick.
I share this story about this song because there is a lesson to be learned here. If Kiss was too good for Mazarati, it is certainly too good for you, Gwyneth Paltrow. So even though I forgave you in 2003 for simply not having the right look, voice and depth of complexity necessary to portray the tragically brilliant Sylvia Plath, I cannot and will not forgive your mutilation of artistic perfection. Shame on you for screwing with Prince’s music and pissing off legions of his hardcore fans.

Sincerely,
Garbageman’s Daughter

An Open Letter to Prince Regarding His Most Recent Asinine Business Decisions

Dear Prince:

A few weeks ago, you announced your Welcome to America Tour. This announcement was greeted with great excitement by your most devout American fans, despite the ridiculous name of the tour. You are an American citizen. Why are you coming to America? Don’t you already live here and have a lot of properties that you don’t pay taxes on until the tax authorities chase you down and demand payment? And, why you are not doing the 20TEN tour in the United States like you did in Europe and like you will do in Abu Dhabi, United Arab Emirates? And why are you stuffing your show with a bunch of artists that no one wants to see? And of course, the most important question, why are starting your tour just a few days before Christmas?

I know you don’t celebrate Christmas and that you need replenish your bank accounts given your huge tax penalties and the ridiculous amount of lawsuits that you lost in 2010. (Did no one ever tell you not to sue babies and not to make a deal with a stinky perfume company just because their name reminds you of the Bible?) Do you really need to burden your fans with your problems? Sure, you are worth the $173.00 sticker price for tickets on the floor and possibly worth the $500 per person for a table in the exclusive Purple Circle. But, why right before Christmas?

Do you not realize that you are old? Since you are old this means that most of your fans are old and are parents. You would like to think that your fans hot twenty-somethings but that is not the case. Face reality, your fans are mostly women between the ages of 35 and 48 who were kids when you took the pop music world by storm in 1984 with Purple Rain. Yes, it is true. Your fans don’t have taut asses and perky breasts, they are bunch of stretch mark laden, cellulite riddled moms who are going to try to look like Vanity (circa 1982) by squeezing their sagging, misshapen breasts and post-baby bellies into retro trampy dresses, lining their eyes heavily in black to mask their crows feet and wearing thigh-high boots to hide the spider veins. This really should have occurred to you once your promoters used the line “maybe your parents told you about him” to sell tickets to younger audiences.

So, although I have no problem being an “old fan,” who is willing to place financial burden on my family and will happily wear my streetwalker boots that hide my cankles, I am not thrilled about wearing so little clothing on the East Coast in the middle of winter. (Still searching for fashionably floozy dress that can easily be converted into a conservative dress that is appropriate for my library’s reference desk.) From the financial burden to the weather forecast, a concert in December is just bad idea, but you are “The Prince of the Bad Idea.”

In fact, 2010 has really been a banner year for your bad ideas. You started the year off with your depressingly dreadful fight song for Minnesota Vikings, which caused thousands, no hundreds (most football fans don’t know who you are) to blame you for their loss. Then, you followed that travesty with a couple of crap demos and fled to Europe for a few magnificent shows with fantastic set-lists (I know this because bootlegged copies of the shows were available almost immediately. Great job trusting the Europeans. They gladly steal from you just like the Americans.) You deprived your American fans of legal opportunities to hear those songs and then further screwed over your American fans by only releasing 20TEN (a really solid musical offering) through newspapers and magazines in Europe. You got your money upfront with no thought of your fans. Most of your fans didn’t care because they had an illegal copy of the CD within 24 hours of the release in France. But, now you are releasing a deluxe version of 20TEN. So, fans will soon pay an obscene amount of money for a CD that they partially possess. You know your hardcore fans are completists and will purchase every brilliant, average and horrid piece of music you put out.

Yes, 20Ten Deluxe is just another example of the way you screw over your fans. Redundant, frivolous albums, ridiculously overpriced inconveniently timed concerts not to mention all the embarrassing things you say like “the internet is dead” that forces your fans to defend your crazy ass. If there ever was an artist who did not deserve fans, it would be you, Prince. But for some reason the fans like the way you screw us. You don’t deserve it, but you’ll see me and thousands of your other fans when you come to America. See you then.

Sincerely,

Garbageman’s Daughter

A Letter To My Children: No Christmas Presents This Year

To My Four Beautiful Angels:

It is with moderate sadness that I must inform you that there will not be Christmas presents under the tree this year. I know it is tough to swallow, but you must hear the truth. Your mother is an addict. My drug of choice skyrocketed to popularity in the early 1980s and became hottest drug out there with maybe one thrilling exception. I became hooked at the fragile age of nine. Your grandmother tried to limit my exposure, heeding the warnings the Phil Donahue and Tipper Gore. But, I just used behind her back. When my most people moved on to more relevant stimulants in the 1990s while my favorite elixir underwent a dreadful name change, I stayed committed. Today, my addiction to Prince remains intact despite his age and flavorless presentation.

In order to satiate my need for all things Prince, your father and I will be traveling to the IZOD Center in New Jersey to see Prince a few days before Christmas, which means we’ll have to cut back this year on non-essentials, like your Christmas presents. To make it up to you, here is what we have to offer: While we are gone you can stay up as late as you want and eat as much junk food as you desire. And, here’s the good part: You do not have to donate any of your toys to charity this year. Instead, you can wrap up your gently used crap and exchange it amongst each other. It will feel like Christmas until you see what exactly is inside the boxes, which will just dash your dreams and ultimately create one of your worst childhood memories ever. But you know, sometimes life just isn’t fair. Sometimes you have to sacrifice to make those around you happy.

Remember children: It is better to give than to receive. This year, you will be giving to your mother. As consolation, I’ll bring home a concert t-shirt that you all can take turns wearing. See not so bad after all.

I am glad that we have resolved this matter amicably, and it will be a very Merry Christmas -- well at least for me.

Love always,

Your Mother

My Private Online Joy

For years, I knew these type of websites existed, but I never dared sully my address bar with those particular URLs. I, instead, fantasized about the images and accompanying sounds, but would never succumb to my curiosity. I did not want to be “one of those people.” I did not want to be judged or ridiculed. So, my fascination remained closeted and unfulfilled for years.

But one day, when one man was so outraged and disgusted that he pursued litigation against three of these websites, I cratered and devoured the forbidden sites with the same passion that I have while spooning strawberry icing directly from the can into my mouth. I needed to know. I had to know what would possess a man to sue his fans and to take litigation against three websites solely created to honor him with praise and appreciation. On that day, November 7, 2007, I allowed myself the guilty pleasure of visiting of www.housequake.com, www.princefams.com and www.prince.org.

During that particular dark November day, not only was I sucked in by the ligation but I was intrigued by the song that accompanied the cease and desist letter -- a nice little hate-filled ditty called P.F.U.N.K. that focuses on the horridness of Prince’s fans and how they use him to get 15 minutes of their own fame. A spiteful song and a lawsuit should have been enough to blackened the fan sites forever perhaps only illuminated with a bright purple message: “What kind of dick sues his fans?” “You are crazy wash-up who doesn’t deserve fans.” “You were brilliant in the 80s but you sort of suck now.” “No one under the age of 35 knows who are.”

Any of those messages would have been both adequate and accurate. But no, fans did not fold despite the efforts of the pint-size bully. Instead the boards continued to operate and were loaded with universal praise for the song that dismisses the very fans who are praising it. Prince says, “Screw you, fans.” Fans respond with: “We love you, Prince.” Thus, providing me with further evidence that hardcore Prince fans are even crazier than the man they idolize.

As a longtime Prince fan, I delved into fan boards not to learn more about Prince but to discover what I have in common with other Prince fans. Not a damn thing. Most of those people are freakin’ insane albeit entertaining and fascinating in their freakiness. Despite my intrigue and strange adoration for them, I am quite frightened by their purple knowledge and would never consider posting anything to the board. Chances are that I wouldn’t know which protégée he was banging in 1988 or who his band members were for the 2002 Musicology tour date in Oslo. One factual mistake or admitting that “Dolphin” is my favorite song on The Gold Experience would make me the subject of ridicule among the most devout Prince fans – the ones who know where he was, what he was doing, who was doing it with, and what he was wearing for just about every day of man’s life. The regulars on prince.org make me look like a casual “I love Purple Rain and Sign O’ the Times” kind of fan.

I originally went to prince.org looking to find answers to questions like: “Why did you become fan?” and “Thirty years into his career, why are you still hanging out when most of civilized culture has moved past Prince?” I haven’t really found answers to those inquiries. But, there are plenty of answers to questions like: “Is purple really Prince’s favorite color?”, “What Prince songs are most commonly played at strip clubs?”, “'Head' or 'Jack U Off', which do you prefer?”, “Does Prince need Wendy and Lisa again?” “Why doesn’t Prince like black girls?”

Heck, even the music icon being behind on his taxes has ignited debate, causing the typical Prince Apologists versus Prince Realists drama that fills the board on just about every post. The Prince Apologists, who truly believe that man can do nothing wrong, argue that his people just didn’t pay his taxes for him and the Prince Realists (who are called haters by the apologists) argue that his people only do or don’t do what they are told. If Prince wanted to pay his taxes, they would have been paid. This is pretty much how all discussions go; the Delusional versus the Realists. But no matter how extreme the perspective, there is no aspect of Prince’s music or life that is not discussed and debated. And, if you are ever confused about the year, you will be told repeatedly that it is not 1984 anymore. (This is a fact that my hair has refused to accept.) Although it is not 1984 anymore and Prince’s best music is long behind him, www.Prince.org is a fascinating place to visit if you are hardcore fan, a casual listener or a hater.

An Eleven-Year-Old's Review of 20TEN

After playing Prince's latest album 20Ten for my oldest child, his response was brief: "The music is awful and your dancing only makes it worse."

When Greed and Genius Collide

Prince possesses musical genius. Prince possesses a greedy soul. When his music and his thirst for money collide, his art suffers, his fans suffer and ultimately his legacy suffers. Despite his amazing musical innovations in the 1980s that made him an icon, he repeatedly jeopardizes his career and his reputation in his pursuit of capital. He claims that his dispute with Warner Bros. that triggered his name change to an unpronounceable symbol was over creative output. Nope, that’s just artistic pretense. It was about the money. Nothing more, nothing less. No one forced him to sign that contract, and he simply didn’t sell enough albums to get his big pay day. Being a bad businessman is not the same as being a slave to the system, and he should have known better than to scribble the word "slave” on his cheek – a despicable moment for him that has irrevocably damaged his place in music history.

Well, Prince continues to soil his reputation and still appears to be a bad sport in the music industry as seen with his recent remarks about downloadable music: "The Internet is completely over," said Prince. "I don't see why I should give my new music to iTunes or anyone else. They won't pay me an advance for it and then [the public] gets angry when they can't get [the music]."

Since Prince does not play nicely with anyone. His new music is not available in retail stores or legally online. His newest album 20TEN is only being distributed legitimately through the newspapers and magazines in Europe that gave him a fat advance for his product. It is unknown how and if the album will be distributed in the United States.

His short-sighted, greedy decision to not sell the CD in the United States feels like a personal insult. I have bought every crap album since 1996. No matter what the asking price or his method of distribution, I would have purchased whatever he offered. Well, until a few days ago.

His unfriendly attitude towards his fans led me to strongly consider selling my entire collection, loaded with out-of-print and rare items. I told myself: No more buying of Prince merchandise, no more travelling to see him, and no more listening (not even to “The Beautiful Ones”). A clean break. A Purple free life. My husband failed to believe me, but I was resolute.

Then, I heard 20TEN.

How much harm can a little greed do?

Review of 20TEN: The New CD by the Artist Currently Known as the Jerk Who Blows Off His American Fans

So, I managed to resuscitate the Internet and squeezed enough life out of it to illegally listen to Prince’s new CD just so I could be disappointed immediately. I was expecting an average to downright dreadful album since it is only being distributed through magazines and newspapers in Europe and the United Kingdom. (The last album he disseminated by newspaper was Planet Earth and was not worth the price of the paper.) I was preparing myself for a huge disappointment, which is exactly what I got.

20TEN is superb and cannot be purchased in the United States, reflecting that Prince really has no understanding of the music industry, his fans, or even his own music. It is through his short-sighted, greedy business decisions that he fails his fans repeatedly. Despite his cynical view that people only want free downloadable music, fans want to buy this album either online or in record stores. 20TEN is now scattered all over the internet for download, for single song listening without download, and for purchase on eBay. Turns out the Europeans are not so loyal. Sadly, the most common response to this album is: When and where can I buy it. His greed-driven methodology serves as nothing more than a huge missed opportunity for Prince both professionally and financially. There is much love for this album, which would have probably translated into more money than the healthy advances he received from the magazines and newspapers.

Elation over his latest musical offering has transformed incarnations of Prince fan sites that usually look like of princesucks.com into venues of purple love, praise, joy and shock. 20TEN is whimsical, fun, funky, well-composed, not over-produced and fully embraces the Minneapolis sound associated with him. With this album, he fully accomplishes the vision that fell short on 2009’s MPLSound CD, which was the stale and boring step-sister to the gorgeous guitar-driven Lotusflow3r. He fully embraces his past without copying himself too much. Even though he rethreads on some old territory, there is a freshness and lightness that overlays the songs, making 20TEN paradoxically old and new. It contains a feeling of familiarity (accomplished through the heavy use of synths and Linn drum) that is comforting, fun and just plain funky; this one gets listeners dancing immediately. Dance music and Prince are synonymous, and he has reclaimed his claim to fame.

The sounds are addictive although there is not a single song that is radio friendly. There is nothing particularly groundbreaking here, but it is an album that can be embraced upon first listening (which is pretty unusual because most Prince albums are growers even for hardcore fans). 20TEN has a fantastically fun summer feel mixed with the elements of pop, R&B, funk, rock and New Wave (very reminiscent of his Dirty Mind/Controversy era).

Although the CD may not be perfectly even the lowlights contain highlights, and the highpoints on the album are cause for celebration. Like the majority of Prince CDs, it contains a variety of genres and many songs that are hybrid tunes. The standouts on the albums are the dance tracks. "Beginning Endlessly" is an innovative song that succeeds in merging sex and God in an upbeat, interesting way with a catchy melody that gets in stuck in listeners heads for hours. "Lavaux" is another fun dance track that contains all of Prince’s vocal ranges. "Sticky Like Glue" is sexy smooth funk. "Compassion" has a nice beat although the hypocritical ass really should choke on his lyrics while he counts his Euros, leaving his American fans in an uncompassionate lurch.

Great dance tracks are never enough for the artist. Prince being Prince can never just stay in his comfort zone. He pushes himself into foreboding futuristic, electro-funk areas with "Laydown," which is absolutely the most original and noteworthy song on 20TEN. "Laydown" is the darkest sound on the album and is probably closest to anything on current radio. Over the past 20 years, Prince has struggled with rap because he simply cannot do it. But, he has managed to develop his own style (sometimes called Prince-hop) that embraces elements of electronica, hip-hop, funk and R&B that is just fun and catchy. This song has a mesmerizing sci-fi, other-world quality to it and contains the album’s most provocative line: “If your girlfriend didn’t have the surgery maybe she could see what I see.” Sure, real rap fans would laugh at lines like: “From the heart of Minnesota, here come the purple Yoda guaranteed to bring the dirty new sound,” which is hilarious since Prince is a 52-year-old Jehovah Witness and self-proclaimed celibate who does not make dirty sounds anymore. Plus, no one finds a Star Wars reference particularly gangsta. But, the “Purple bounce, bounce" parts get the crowds bouncing. This song is absolutely worth Googling for a listen or two.

Another song that is worth Googling just for its God-awful cringe-worthiness is "Everybody Loves Me." This song falls into the awesomely bad category and has fans divided. Many fans love this song for its ridiculous cheesy, Sesame Street inspired lyrics and interesting funk/New Wave grooves. Others (me included) think it is an embarrassing travesty. To say this song is horrendous is far too complimentary, but at the same time, it is so bad it becomes perversely interesting much like "Mr. Goodnight" (on the Planet Earth CD). Worth one listen but there is too much delightful music on 20TEN to waste too much time with this track.

Overall, the only thing about 20TEN that fully disappoints is the distribution method. So, go grab an illegal copy of this online and enjoy this capricious, pleasurable, and whimsical summer album that will be forgotten about in a few weeks. But for now, let the booty shaking and baby-making commence!

Author's Note: I do not have a legal copy of the CD only because there are no current options to purchase it in the United States. I would have happily paid the asking price and have plans to obtain a legal copy when it is released Germany. In the meantime, I will continue to blissfully listen to my less than legal digital copy without remorse but much disgust towards the artist.

One More Open Letter to Prince that Will Go Unanswered, Leaving Me Utterly Frustrated and Disgruntled

Dear Prince:

It is me again. No need for alarm, so please do not have your people send me a cease and desist letter this time. Certainly, there is no need for a restraining order either. I do not live in the country where you choose to reside, give concerts and release your albums. I live in the United States, and you spend your time in Europe. Why? Because you think that they do not mock your new music and refrain from uploading your songs to file-sharing websites, like the Americans do. You are wrong. They do. Within minutes of you stepping on stage at Montreux Jazz Festival on July 18, 2009, I had pictures of you on stage in that red suit trimmed in zippers. I knew you started the show with When I Lay My Hands on You followed by Little Red Corvette. Within 24 hours, I had audio and video recordings of both shows.

So, go ahead and continue to trust your European fans and continue to tell your American fans, “No more candy for you” because of all the “haters on the Internet,” and we will continue to download your music from the comfort of our office chairs, post and re-post our favorite videos of you on YouTube, and call you an idiotic tool, who is determined to destroy his legacy. Really, who are you to judge us? When you pay your taxes on time, stay married to your next wife without cheating, and hold up any part of a legal obligation, perhaps you can complain about file-sharing, done by people who love you and your music.

As I have said over and over again, you need to be locked up and released only to make music and look pretty for the camera. Your business decisions are asinine, and you say way too much nonsense. Seriously, it was just a few months ago that I wrote about your ridiculous chemtrail comments and your idiotic statements about homosexuality. I still can’t explain the suing the baby incident; suing fans who are not old enough to read really makes you look like a dick. And now, how I am ever going to justify your statement: "The Internet's completely over…like MTV. At one time MTV was hip and suddenly it became outdated." You are a musician not an intellectual, businessman, or philosopher. Hire an accountant, a business manger, a lawyer, and a public relations expert and go make music, brilliant music preferably.

Once you make some brilliant music start playing nice with the record labels and music distributors. It has been more than 15 years since your dispute with Warner Bros. Quit being a baby. Admit you were wrong, and beg them to take you back. Let them release re-mastered box sets of your hits. Tap your vault and give us high quality versions of those brilliant, static-filled bootlegs that your fans have been spinning for twenty-years. Put on a fake smile and do real album promotion that involves more than one appearance on Ellen and two songs on the Tonight Show.

Prince, you can fix this. It is time to think about keeping those 14 fans that you still have in the United States. Make this right. Please release 20TEN in this country, so we do not have to resort to using social networking tools to beg people in Europe to send us the album. Begging is pathetic. But if I must beg, I will. Whatever, it takes to get your latest album.

You don’t deserve a fan like me. I have been loyal for twenty-eight years and will continue to buy every crappy album you release. It’s called unconditional fandom. So, how about a little unconditional sanity, business acumen and non-dickish ways in return? I am so excited to get your new album. Just imagine what could happen if you became excited about your fans again.

Sincerely,

Garbageman’s Daughter

Why I Identify with an Androgynous Black Man

On paper, I would not define a sexy man to be short, skinny, and androgynous with tendencies to wear make-up, high heels and women’s blouses. But, there is an exception, and his name is Prince. For more than 30-years in the music industry, Prince has been challenging conventions of all sorts and generating all types of conceptions and misconceptions about him. This is best summarized in his lyrics from his 1981 song, Controversy: "Am I black or white? Am I straight or gay?...Do I believe in God? Do I believe in me?"  Even in the start of his career, he knew he was creating a bi-sexual, bi-racial, religiously-secular brand of music that would not be pigeonholed as just rock, Funk, R&B, pop, rock, Alternative, and New Wave.

At the age of nine when I first discovered Prince, I knew nothing about challenging normalized conventions and pushing the conditions of possibilities. I didn't even know what he looked like. Although I was technically part of the MTV generation, we didn't have cable, which meant no music videos for me. All I had to relate to were his clever lyrics set to a funky beat. I still remember the moment I became hooked. I was in a bakery with my mother and grandmother and "Delirious" was playing.  The melody was so catchy that I said that I had to go to the bathroom just to keep us in the store till the song concluded. In that moment, my twenty-eight year love affair with the man started, although over the years it has ebbed and flowed.     

So, what could a nine-year-old white daughter of garbageman from rural central Pennsylvania have common with a twenty-four-year-old black musician, who is a son of a musician, from Minneapolis, Minnesota? Weirdness and creativity. Still today when I still listen to "Delirious," I hear it as being a song about embracing individuality, having fun with it and loving who you are.  This is a great message for a kid, and the notion that I find in his music that I love the most. Granted "Delirious," like the bulk of his early music, is really about sex as seen in the line: "Cuz if U don't I'm gonna explode/And girl I got a lot,"  But I was far too young to understand the sexual overtones. Quite frankly as a parent now, I can't believe that at the age of nine, I had a cassette that contained line "...I'm not sayin' this just 2 be nasty/I sincerely wanna fuck the taste out of your mouth." (Still my favorite Prince line of all time closely followed by "U didn't have the decency 2 change the sheets " followed by "I got a spooky feeling/U just want me 4 the sex" followed by Every Christmas night 4 7 years now/I drink banana daiquiris 'til I'm blind" and so on.)

Although Prince's music is primarily known for having two purposes: shagging and dancing, for me there is a third purpose -- writing. When I listen to him, I hear creativity, fearlessness, individuality, and diversity. These are components that should come alive in art and are plentiful in Prince's work. His music inspires me, pushes and excites in all different directions. Sure, those components are found in the works of many great novelists, poets, essayists, and playwrights, but after a long marathon session of reading E.B. White (believed by some to be the best essayist ever), I tend to curl up in a fetal position weeping. A pity-party tends to slow down one's writing as it is quite difficult to type from a fetal position with a bottle of Ambien in hand and tear-filled eyes. So, instead of having a pity-party, I bring on the dance party. My writing process is just as physical as it is cerebral, marked by substantial pacing and a little dancing.  While my actual writing may be influenced by the authors who I am reading, Prince influences my spirit, energy and enthusiasm and causes the phrase, "Mom, stop dancing" to be one of the most commonly used locutions in our home.

Sadly, since people mostly know Prince for his dance hits like "Kiss," and "Get Off," his wonderful play pop confections like "Raspberry Beret" and "Starfish and Coffee" and his sex-laden songs like "Little Red Corvette" and "Darling Nikki," they miss most of Prince's complexity and versatility.  Not too many people know about his eerie, Edgar Alan Poe like, Gothic inspired song "Others Here Among Us" (which remains officially unreleased but has been circulating for years), or the very dark, experimental, and hauntingly gorgeous song about sex and murder, "Wasted Kisses" (from the New Power Soul album, which was done with the New Power Generation when he had a symbol for his moniker), or the complex multi-layered rock opera "3 Chains o' Gold"  (Love Symbol album) or his beautifully heart-breaking song about adultery, "I Love U, But I Don't Trust U Anymore" (Rave Un2 the Joy Fantastic), or the dreamy, other worldly, seemingly drug-inspired tune "Boom" from his most recent album Lotusflow3r. These are treasures that motivate me although I don't mind breaking out "Kiss', "The Beautiful Ones' and "Raspberry Beret" every once in awhile.

But no song encapsulates my connection with Prince better than "Purple Music," which is a very strange unreleased song from a spontaneous jam session during the 1999 era (which actually took place in 1982).  I would not recommend it for anyone, except hardcore fans. For me,  it sums up what draws me to Prince -- a shared compulsion for the creation of art. This song is all about art being a drug and its conception inducing a natural high:

Don't need no reefer, don't need cocaine

Purple music does the same 2 my brain

And I'm high, so high

Don't need no cymbals, no saxophone

Just need 2 find me a style of my own

And I'm high, so high....

Ain't got no theory, ain't got no rules

 I just let the purple music tell my body what 2 do

And I'm high, so high

    That is a feeling that I know all too well. Writing is my drug and Prince is the chaser. So although my long-time devotion to Prince might be perceived as a perverse androgyny fetish, or a way to explore suppressed sexual urges, or just as a way to escape through indulgence and frivolity, I see my love of Prince as an extension of self-love and being brave enough to take risks, follow unusual paths, embrace individuality, think innovatively and never self-censor. With how influential Prince has been in my life, I am so thankful that when Tipper Gore went on Donahue and told parents to take away 1999 and Purple Rain, my mom only kept my cassettes for a day. I would probably be a totally different person today if the confiscation would have lasted through my teen years.

Prince for Dummies

Author’s Note: Hey, my favorite Kansan, who likes to tell me weekly that she doesn’t know much about Prince because she was in her infant, toddler, and pre-school years during the 80s, this one is for you.
Know your audience and write at your audience’s knowledge level are pretty basic fundamentals of writing. When I write about Prince, I normally assume that my audience knows who he is, what time period he became a huge pop star, and can name a few of his hits. I normally don’t have time to do Prince for Dummies. But today, I am feeling generous and I’ll give you the basics.

1. Who is Prince? He was a huge pop star in the 80s. Today, he is a Rock-n-Rock Hall of Famer and is one of the most prolific and diverse performers alive. If you still don’t know who he is, ask your parents, you were probably conceived to his music.
2. Does he still go by "The Artist Formerly Known as Prince?" No! If you want to piss off hardcore fans ask them that question or write it on their Facebook walls to guarantee an end to your real or virtual friendship. Prince has been Prince again for the past 10 years! He changed his name to the love symbol on June 7th, 1993 (his 35th birthday); it was part of his failed attempt to break his contract with Warner Bros. Records. On May 16th, 2000, when his contract expired, he resumed using his former performing moniker (His legal name is Prince Rogers Nelson, named after his dad’s band).
3. What should a casual fan know about his personal life? Nothing! Do not read any biographies about Prince or any interviews with him. Stick to his music only. He is a despicable person. The general rule is that Prince will screw or screw over anyone he knows. Females normally experience both. See number four for more on this subject.
4. What is Prince’s Sexual Orientation? Prince is straight although he is often perceived to be gay or bi-sexual primarily due to his androgynous appearance.
5.What race is Prince? He is black and is not bi-racial like most people assume because of his light skin color and the casting of a Mediterranean actress as his mom in Purple Rain. The creation of this misconception was intentional, on the part of Warner Bros., to garner a multi-racial audience for their rising star. Although he is not bi-racial, he is credited for creating a bi-racial style of music that blends rock and R&B to appeal to people of all colors.
6.How tall is Prince? This question is just rude and none of your business. But if you must know, he is reportedly 5’2. It is hard to tell with his high heels.
7. What Prince albums are best for the casual or new Prince listener? Really anything from 1978 and 1988 is quintessential Prince and pure perfection. Here is what you need for a starter collection in the order of importance:

• Purple Rain (1984): His most famous and highest selling album to date. It is flawless from start to finish, and is the album where you will find “When Doves Cry,” “Let’s Go Crazy,” “Darling Nikki,” and the “Beautiful Ones,” a deconstructed ballad that is nothing short of amazing. Even better than the recording of this song is watching Prince hump the piano during the performance of the "Beautiful Ones" in the movie Purple Rain. Speaking of Purple Rain, it is an awesomely bad movie with horrible dialogue and no plot, but worth purchasing for the performances, which have stood the test of time.
• Sign o’ the Times (1987): his two-disc opus that is his most critically acclaimed work. This album is proof that Prince was years ahead of his time; it sounds just as relevant today as it was in 1987. The accompanying concert DVD is equally outstanding.
• 1999 (1982): This album was Prince’s breakout album containing the hits "Little Red Corvette," "1999" and "Delirious,” this rockabilly tune made me a fan. The double album can best be summarized by the song: “Dance, Music, Sex, Romance.” It all in there, in no particular order, on all the tracks. 1999 is Pure Purple Perfection that foreshadows the great things to come for Prince and the Revelation with their next album. This album is an absolute must have for even the most casual of Prince listeners.
• Dirty Mind (1980): Everyone should have at least one Prince album filled with sex songs. This album gives you "Head" (an ode to oral sex) and "Sister" (the incest tune that makes you dance).
• The Gold Experience (1995): Although most of Prince’s work in 1990s can be dismissed, the Gold Experience is required listening. It is considered, by most fans, to be his Purple Rain of the 1990s. It contains the last big hit of his career "The Most Beautiful Girl in the World," which he no longer plays live because it was written for his first wife. He now prefers “I love U but I don't trust U anymore,” which chronicles her adultery. Although his second wife was already on the scene before the first one left. See this is precisely why you shouldn’t read his biography.
• 3121 (2006): Prince experienced a resurgence in his career in the 21st century with his critically acclaimed but horribly boring Musicology (2004) and his album 3121, which garnered him several Grammy nominations. 3121 works as fun dance album as long as you don’t have any of Prince songs from 1980s in your playlist. Still a solid offering that is worth giving a listen.
• LOtUSFLOW3R (2009): Although this three-disc set received mixed critical reviews, some fans and critics argue that his latest offering stands up well against his best work from the 80s. Although that statement is too strong, this album is intriguing enough to make it worth buying. (Plus, you get it now at your local Target for $4.99) The set consists of the main disc Lotusflow3r, which is a brilliant Jimi Hendrix inspired rock guitar album, a moderately fulfilling dance album called MPLSoUND (which stands for Minneapolis Sound – the music style associated with Prince and his protégées), and also silver coaster, called Elixer [sic] by Bria Valente, the debut CD by his latest protégée. Prince has a perpetually bad habit of giving record deals to the talentless bimbos he happens to banging at the time. But nonetheless, buy this album for the Prince meets Jimi Hendrix aura; it will either change or reaffirm your view on the legalization of pot.

So, there you have it, a guide to get you started. So, pick up a Prince CD at your local used record store, and let the dancing and shagging commence!

When Doves Talk Too Damn Much

“Shut up already, damn!” Prince really needs follow the directive given in the first line of “Housequake.” After reading a few of his recent interviews, it is clear the man should be locked up and released only to perform.  Sure, Prince has always given bizarre and cryptic sound bites but that just added to crazy-sexy mystic. Now he is no longer the eccentric virtuoso wearing assless pants and ruffle blouses, but more the aging pop star, who writes lame, ineffectual fight songs and babbles about conspiracy theories involving chemtrails.

Although it is unfortunate that the fight song written for his home team, the Minnesota Vikings, caused TMZ to rename Prince, “The Artist Formerly Known as Talented,”  Purple & Gold is just one example in a long list of songs that proves that Prince can indeed write and produce truly awful music. Anyone remember the dreadful little ditty, “My Name is Prince?”  For every brilliant gem like “The Beautiful Ones” or “Starfish & Coffee,” there is a “Jughead” or “Mr. Goodnight.” For every iconic album like Purple Rain or Sign O’ the Times, there is a Rave Un2 the Joy Fantastic or Planet Earth. His musical missteps are excused by the sheer brilliance, diversity and enormity of his overall catalog, and the credibility that he has in the music community earns him forgiveness for the Symbol name change and Slave scribbling on his check during his break-up with Warner Bros. But, his comments of race, politics, religion, and sexual orientation cannot be easily dismissed. 

While discussing the topic of race with PBS talk show host, Tavis Smiley, Prince mentioned "this phenomenon of chemtrails." He implied a connection between an increase in aircraft trails that coincided with an inexplicable increase in "fighting and arguing" in his neighborhood (not his swank gated community in Minneapolis but his native hood).  Everyone has their favorite conspiracy theories. (I am partial to the one where the Kennedys killed Marilynn Monroe.) But some could argue that poverty, substandard housing, poor schools, few legitimate job opportunities, and drugs lead to crime and violence in the inner city and not chemicals sprayed by the government to keep non-white communities down.

And, when Prince isn’t rambling about government oppression while simultaneously emphasizing that he doesn’t vote, he is talking about God. He has always had a lot to say about God, but it was a lot more interesting when he advocated a direct path to spirituality through sex. (See entire Lovesexy album.) Now he holds more dogmatic, rigid and downright homophobic religious beliefs as demonstrated by comments made in an interview with the New Yorker. When asked about gay marriage, Prince pointed to his bible and said: “God came to earth and saw people sticking it wherever and doing it with whatever, and he just cleared it all out. He was, like, 'Enough.'"

Does he not realize that smart people read the New Yorker, a huge portion of his fan base is gay and some of his former bandmates (especially members like Wendy and Lisa who helped him become a star) are gay? Should an artist who has given us songs like Head, Jack U Off, Sister (an incest tune that you can dance too), Let’s Pretend We’re Married (with the classic Prince line, “I'm not sayin' this just 2 be nasty/I sincerely wanna fuck the taste out of your mouth), Erotic City, Hide the Bone and Come  (with specific details on where his tongue should be placed and how it should be moved) really be telling people where they should and should not be sticking things?

Oh how I long for days when he didn’t give interviews. 

An Open Letter to Prince: Advice You Must Take Before You Drop Dead

Michael Jackson is dead. Now about 750,000 fans who spent roughly 85 million dollars for tickets to his "This Is It Tour" have refunds in their hands, grief in their hearts and no freak to see.

Prince, you must take advantage of their grief. You can be the replacement freak for all those Wacko Jacko admirers, and all that money could be yours if you do the “See Me before I Drop Dead Tour.” (You could do this tour every year until you finally drop dead.)

Sure, Wacko Jacko fans are lunatics, but does it matter? It is not like you particularly care about your fanbase. I am sure at least a few of them have managed to breed and have dancing babies you can sue. Really instead of suing babies, you should be begging hospitals to give out your music instead of those tired old Mozart CDs. Probably about your only hope to get anyone under the age of 35 to listen to you again.

If the "Drop Dead Tour" and the hospital CD do not bring you the money and fame you still crave, you still can always get hip surgery and do the “Hump the Piano Tour” for all the fans who were in elementary school and too young to see you slithering your tight little ass across that piano and tantalizing us with “Do you want him? Or do you want me?” Hump that piano, baby!

Once you start humping that piano, why don’t you just break out all your filthy ditties and make it the “Dirty Forever Tour.” Bring all those freaky hits on the road Head, Jack U Off , and Let’s Pretend We’re Married. Of course, you must perform Erotic City, not the instrumental version that you have been teasing fans with for 10 years but the full vocal, “We can fuck until the dawn, making love 'til cherry's gone” rendition. On a similar note, stop changing “Sexuality” to “Spiritually.”

Congratulations on finding your religion and being a devoted Jehovah Witness. You are entitled to your religion and personal quest, but don't burden your fans with your crappy God is Great music. You owe it to your fans to give them the salaciousness that they desire. Actually, you owe it to the one fan who finally got out from under her parents' control, moved near a big city, and got enough money for a ticket, the year that you stopped saying “fuck.”

It's time to bring back the panty dropping songs, so you must make a deal with the JW church. You need to make a donation to the church that is so large that the Catholics will be jealous and the elders in the Watch Tower Society will be helping you sing Hide the Bone. You can have it all: your religion (keep private and out of your music), lots of money (isn't that want the whole Warner Bros. cheated and mistreated me pity party is really about?) and your artistic freedom. You can still write and sing your mature, politically aware songs like Colonized Mind, but please give us your Dirty Mind back before you drop dead.

Sincerely,

Garbageman's Daughter