Comment If You Would Like...

"Where is the comment section?" "Why don’t you let people comment on your blog?" "If you are so concerned with what people think, why not let them tell you?"

These are the questions that are frequently asked of me.

“Spammers,” I reply.

That is a lie. I don't care about spam; I just don't want people mucking up my art. I know this sentiment may seem pompous, bitchy and even crazy. All three adjectives are probably true and are words that suit me well.

So even as a crazy, pompous bitch, I am a huge proponent of the First Amendment. I am all about intellectual freedom, which is why I am a reporter turned librarian. As a librarian, I encourage library patrons to use Web 2.0 features, but I hypocritically prohibit reader interaction on my Internet presence.

After coming to terms with the fact that I am a fearful, control freak with a touch of megalomania, I am finally ready to give up a little control and open up my blog to comments.

Who knows? The comments might even inspire a new post or two, so let the commenting commence.

Garbageman's Daughter Answers Your Questions

Dear Readers:

When I started my blog over two years ago, I was my only reader and my biggest fan. Over time my readership has increased and so have the questions about my blog. So, I wanted to share my answers to the most frequently asked questions:

1. Are you really a Garbageman's Daughter? You bet. My family's garbage business was started about 55 years ago by my grandfather. After his death, my father and brother took ownership. As a teenager, I was embarrassed by my blue collar roots and frequently lied about my dad's profession. I even told a date that my father owned a convenience store. Now I am very proud of my humble roots and that is why I selected The Adventures of the Garbageman's Daughter as the title for my blog.

2. Is your hair as bad in reality as it is in the drawing that advertises your name? Yes and probably much worse. Some may say bad hair is a curse. I say, "It is a trademark." In fact when selecting an image for my blog, I did an online search for "bad hair."

3. Are your children headless? No, my children do indeed have heads. However, I have decided to never show the faces of my children because I am not a mom blogger. As I frequently tell people, I only write about my kids when it is good for my art. Even then, I tend to make them more funny and interesting than they really are. If you know me, you know what my kids look like. If you don't know me, imagine the four most attractive children you have ever seen and make them 10 times better looking. Then, you'll know what my children look like. Luckily, their gorgeous looks compensate for their other shortfalls.

4. What  is your blog about? "About" is a nebulous word. Does it have to be "about" anything? There is no unifying theme to my blog other than the chaos of my mind.

5. Why do some of your blog posts appear, disappear and reappear? Sometimes I write things that were fun or interesting ideas in my head but come out as manure in the written form. Sometimes I pull the manure from the blog, but then I re-post it when I remember that you can't get a beautiful flower without the manure. Bad writing is a necessary step to get good writing. So, I keep the bad stuff as reminder to work harder -- unless the post just really sucks then it disappears forever.

6. Do you get paid to blog? Nope. I write 1,500 word essays just for the fun of it.

7. Do you have plans for your blog or your writing? No. I am a librarian by day and a blogger by night. I have no plans to leave my day job.

8. Why do you hate Michael Jackson? He is and will forever be the King of Pop, why don't you get that? These are two of my favorite questions that get sent to me anytime I write anything somewhat critical of the late pop star. I don't hate Michael Jackson; I just stopped listening to him when was an accused pedophile. After his death, I just couldn't muster up any type of enthusiasm to revisit his music. I prefer to leave my memories of Michael Jackson in the 1980s where they belong.

9. Are your stories true? Sometimes. It is safe to assume that at least three sentences in every post are true. Otherwise, I lie and call it art.

10. Garbageman's Daughter, you are hilarious and I can't get enough.. Are you married? Yep, but thanks for asking.

So, there you have the top ten most commonly ask questions about me and the Adventures of the Garbageman's Daughter. Keep those questions coming.

Sincerely,

GMD

Slack as a Root Word

Slackitism is the process of believing that one is participating in meaningful social change by effectively doing nothing like joining a group on Facebook or boycotting a store for a day. Since I am fortunate enough to work in a helping profession and am deeply involved in a non-profit organization that requires me to take the lead on numerous charitable service projects, I am not guilty of slackitism

But I am a huge slacker in other parts of my life. You know the phrase “pick up the slack?" It is me you are picking up after. So, if slack were a root word that provided the foundation to describe my skills, talents, interests and abilities, these words would describe the activities in my life.

Slackleaning: The process of wanting a clean house without picking up a mop, broom, vacuum, or a toilet bowl brush. One step into myself house you would have the visual that goes with the definition.

Slackostess: Wanting to host fun parties without actually planning, buying, preparing anything or even inviting anyone. I like to think of a party as a state of mind.

Slackolarship: The process of wanting to write and publish meaningful works of scholarship without research, re-writes, literature reviews, or query letters. My slackolarship has led me to slackogging. See below for definition.

Slackogging: This is process of blogging daily without a plan, an outline, goals or any real topics in mind as evident by this post.

Announcement: Not As Good As A Baby But Close

After two years of blogging, I have decided it is time to become more serious about my writing and push myself a little harder. I will soon be starting a Master of Fine Arts program in Creative Non-Fiction Writing. It is time to listen to the tough things that I need to hear, get more focused and see what I can accomplish with a little discipline and determination.    

I started my blog two years ago, when we abruptly moved from Texas to Colorado, in order to cope with my sense of loss. I desperately missed my library job responsibilities, my patrons and my co-workers. My blog gave me a place to re-direct my energy until I started working for a library district in Colorado. Plus, it was possibly the first time in my life when I didn't have to write for work or school. I could write just for myself and write anything that I wanted. Sometimes that much freedom can be overwhelming. With so many possibilities and opportunities for expression, I gravitated towards low-brow humor in hopes that I would find my voice, dedicate myself to re-writes and write something more serious or literary.

Well, two years later, I am still in the arena of low-brow humor. Although it is encouraging that my readers are amused and entertained my humor writing that is not where I need to be or want to be.  Now is the time to shift directions, focus my efforts on rewriting my best works and devote myself to a project that will allow me to soar. I hope to accomplish these goals through the writing program.

So, what does this mean for my blog? Daily blogging is time consuming, even when I do short humor pieces. So, this means my blogging time will be reduced and I'll be doing more writing behind the scenes.

Please check my blog occasionally because I will be sharing some of my work as well as giving updates about my classes. Thank you all for your support as the Garbageman's Daughter starts a new adventure.

The Cyberspace Police Should Give You a Ticket...

If you left your car alongside the road, it would be towed, you be ticketed and would be responsible for getting your vehicle out of the impound. So, why shouldn't there be repercussions for abandoning your blog?

When writers establish blogs, they are taking on a commitment. Bloggers make promises to their readers (which may only be their moms, spouses or strangers who also have the same predilection for silent movies, musty old books and New Wave music from the 1980s). Creating a blog is making a promise to deliver timely content updates. When bloggers fail to update their blogs, they fail their readers.

According to a 2008 survey by Technorati, which operates a search engine for blogs, only 7.4 million out of the 133 million blogs the company tracks were updated in the 120 days prior to the survey, which means about 95 percent of blogs were abandoned. It is estimated that about 40,000 people a day start a blog with many of those blogs being abandoned after one or two posts.

If you are not going to stick with it, why go to the trouble of picking a host service, customizing a fashionable blog theme and creating content? Writing a poem or painting a picture would be a more efficient and successful use of your brief burst of creative energy. Why waste your time and disappoint your readers (in particular me) when your zany fashion tidbits, unusual recipes with Huckleberry and wacky advice columns are not longer updated regularly. There is no need to clutter my Blogger Reading List with your lackluster dream that no longer captures your imagination; it is too much of an emotional roller coaster to become a devoted blog follower only to return to my favorite blogs to find stale posts floating in cyberspace.

If you are not going to update your blog, the polite thing to do is either to delete it, or write a short statement such as "Under Construction." "Thanks for stopping by. Be sure to stop by later." "No longer blogging, but please enjoy my archive.” "Too damn busy to update my blog with pictures of smiling kids and clever anecdotes about their mispronunciations that sound like dirty words.” Or, “My blog is a suckish graveyard."

Really any of those would work and would save you from being permanently exiled from my Blogger Dashboard.

Celebrating Two Years of Floating in the Blogosphere

With no subject matter, no plan, no goals, and no audience, I started blogging two years ago. With no subject matter, no plan, no goals and a small but loyal audience, I am still blogging.

The Glory of Writing and the Agony of Rewriting

Rewrites suck the joy out of my heart and the enamel off my teeth. I would rather go to the gynecologist, dentist and waxing parlor all in the same day than work on rewrites. I would rather be trapped in a room with a continual musical loop of the Jonas Brothers, Miley Cyrus and Miranda Cosgroove than edit and revise my writing.

Rewriting is why writing is my avocation instead of my vocation. First drafts bring happiness where rewrites bring misery. First drafts are pleasurable, gratifying and thrilling—pure hedonism. Every word feels sexy and beautiful; the flow is flawless; the tone is pitch-perfect; the metaphors soar like birds returning North in the Springtime. Self-love abounds with writing as a celebratory gesture….until the next day.

After the initial exaltation of writing the first draft, the actual seriousness and downright dreadfulness of the transcript appears. First drafts are terrible in nature, which is why they are called first drafts and not final drafts. In theory and in practice, rewriting should be the next step. Great in theory but in practice, rewriting is miserable, unsexy and downright tortuous.

For bloggers, rewriting is easy to skip. Other than small edits, mostly of a grammatical variety, it is easy to move on to the next hedonistic and enthralling experience known as today’s post with no regards for yesterday’s post and no planning for tomorrow’s post. Blogging is sensual and glorious. It is the splendor of first drafts without any of the pain of the rewriting process…well until now. If “writing is rewriting” then for this blogger, blogging will soon be re-blogging and more re-blogging until there is no more enamel on my teeth.

A Few Thoughts on the Facebook Status Update

After careful reflection and rumination, I have concluded that the Facebook Status Update is no longer an adequate or satisfying outlet for my creativity and artistry. Why should I spend hours crafting clever witticisms, acerbic quips and charming observations about art, literature, libraries, marriage, motherhood and celebrity gossip only to receive 7 or 8 “likes” (if you are the only person on the planet who is not on Facebook—i.e. my husband—this is a convention used in social networking to show appreciation or agreement with someone’s statements.)? I have spent hours rewriting Prince lyrics to reflect poignant moments in my life. I have spoofed the quintessential public service announcements on Facebook that do not do a damn thing but take up space in the Newsfeed. I have made pithy remarks about the intrinsic silliness of Facebook, which did get reposted by one person but only received three likes.

Three is simply not enough. I must admit my self-esteem suffers when I earn a low “like” count and one of my Facebook friends nets 27 “likes” for “My kid sneezed today, “ or when, “I love (but picture one of those stupid hearts instead of the word “love”) my dog” gets 19 likes and 15 comments. It is always those pet comments that land the most superficial Facebook love. Clearly, these superior Facebookers have many relatives who are giving them undeserved praise or they just have a lot of cyber-friends who are being nice now to compensate for being such assholes in high school. Wonder if I would get deleted if I responded: “Animals get aggravated and eat people. What is wrong with you?” Or, maybe I should try: “People really don’t like you. They just want to feel better about themselves by being kind to you with an insincere comment and a fake 'like'.”

Although I am not likely to make either one of those comments, please do not worry that my Facebook presence will fade. I will continue to read your updates and give you the feedback that you desire. It will be good for your self-esteem, and I (thanks to a new Facebook feature) can earn “ likes” for my witty responses. And of course, I’ll continue to post pictures of my gorgeous children. Kids who are as good looking as mine deserve multitudes of "likes."

But, as far as Facebook Status Updates are concerned, they are no longer an artistic outlet for me. It is not productive for me to spend hours writing and posting to Facebook, only to have my writing floating in Cyberspace unread, unappreciated and never thought of or edited by me again. It is far more productive for me to spend hours writing and posting to my blog, only to have my writing Cyberspace unread, unappreciated and never thought of or edited by me again. So Facebook Friends, I’ll see you at the Adventures of the Garbageman’s Daughter, http://garbagemansdaughter.blogspot.com/

Author’s Note: Of course, the RSS Feed for my blog will continue to appear on my Facebook profile, which I suppose makes me a hypocrite in my stance against the Facebook Status Update. But at this point, does anyone really expect my arguments to be rational, ethical, or logical?

Why Blog?

According to the Blog Herald as of July 2008, there were approximately 70 million blogs on the Internet, and there are certainly far more people who are writing blogs instead of reading them. So, why add another blog to the noise?

There are many reasons, but here are a few of my favorites:

• I am a sucker for peer pressure. Everyone is blogging, so why shouldn't I?
• Blogging is quick and dirty. Essay writing is an exhausting labor that involves hours of writing and re-writing and mountains of research. Blogging allows me to let the words out and move on without much commitment or hard work.  
• I am a perpetual attention seeker.
• I want all the boys who broke my heart to read my blog and regret the day that they dumped such a fine talent.
• I can give my point of view and tell my side of the story without having to pretend to care about other people's opinions or the actual truth.
• I want every person whoever met me to search my blog endlessly to see if I am writing about them. 
• It's my stage, so it's all about me, me, me. I will be the star of my narratives. This is not a place to showcase photographs of my kids, nor is my blog the venue to vent about my complex relationships with my parents, in-laws, and husband, I'll save that for therapy someday or just continue to complain about them behind their backs. 
• And, most importantly, I blog because it is cheaper than alcohol and antidepressants.
                                            

On Having an Faithful Readers

Knowing you are there wakes me up in morning and inspires me to push out the words. Knowing you are reading my writing makes me smile; makes me wonder if I make you smile. Makes me feel like I am bathing in public; makes me a little queasy; makes me talk to ghosts near and far; makes me even more neurotic; makes me want to be better.

Thank you.

A Memo to Mom-Writers

There are millions of aspiring mom-writers out there, many of whom believe that funny little stories about their children will get them the notoriety, bylines, and paychecks that they desire and deserve. They are wrong. 

Writer-moms listen clearly; your stories (albeit cute) are only funny to you. All kids make messes, say embarrassing things, and have gross bodily functions. These stories are not particularly unique or universally appealing (especially to the non-breeders of the world). So who cares if your kid poops legos (the small ones will pass); calls your husband's boss while playing with daddy's cell phone at the exact time daddy says "work sucks;" or, eats a snack out of the dog bowl?

Let's face it no one will care because your target readers are mothers. And most mothers only care about their own kids. No matter how amazing your child's accomplishments are; their children could have accomplished twice as much in half the time while speaking Chinese and French. No matter how green your kids' poop is because of the food coloring agent Red 40, their kids' feces will either be greener or not green at all because they give their children only organic food products.  

Your stories are better suited for Facebook, Twitter, your family blog, and that dreadful end of the year Family Letter that immediately gets tossed in recycling bins and has dozens of your distant relatives and friends calling you a delusional bitch behind your back. No one cares about your husband's promotion, how you ran a marathon three weeks giving after birth to your second child, and the six new teeth that your baby got.  

These nice stories are family history, not national news or world-class essays. So, enjoy your stories and share them with people who pretend to care (but really turn off your Facebook feed). Keep and save your stories for generations to come, but please remember just because you find your family history interesting doesn't mean it needs to be donated to a library. Keep that crap on your hard-drive or in your attic!

On Blogging

My blog posts are like a series of one night stands. They feel good at the time, but make me vomit when I look at them a second time.