Comment If You Would Like...

"Where is the comment section?" "Why don’t you let people comment on your blog?" "If you are so concerned with what people think, why not let them tell you?"

These are the questions that are frequently asked of me.

“Spammers,” I reply.

That is a lie. I don't care about spam; I just don't want people mucking up my art. I know this sentiment may seem pompous, bitchy and even crazy. All three adjectives are probably true and are words that suit me well.

So even as a crazy, pompous bitch, I am a huge proponent of the First Amendment. I am all about intellectual freedom, which is why I am a reporter turned librarian. As a librarian, I encourage library patrons to use Web 2.0 features, but I hypocritically prohibit reader interaction on my Internet presence.

After coming to terms with the fact that I am a fearful, control freak with a touch of megalomania, I am finally ready to give up a little control and open up my blog to comments.

Who knows? The comments might even inspire a new post or two, so let the commenting commence.

There Is No Such Thing as a Free Giveaway

Free. Everybody wants something for free these days. Well, I tell you what Mrs. Ross, my eleventh grade economics teacher told me, “There is no such thing as a free lunch.” This is a simple way to say that someone always foots the bill for something that you get for free.

I have been thinking about this concept quite bit lately since there have been many giveaways recently on almost every blog that I read regularly. Frequently, these giveaways are re-gifted crap that the writer doesn’t want; something that the blogger has made; or, a gift donated by a sponsor looking to stir up business. But no matter how and where the gift comes from, someone always foots the bill.

So, the question becomes do I want to foot the bill to give my readers something? Do I want to hassle with a contest and go through the trouble of shipping the winner their free giveaway paid for by me? Although I have plenty of crap to giveaway, I have asked myself what does this buy me? Happy readers? Probably. Do I care? Probably not. In reality, how would doing a giveaway on my blog benefit me?

It wouldn’t really do much other than create more work and give me more reasons to ignore my children. And, when it really comes down to it, I am a giver every day. I give out the gift of tough love. I tell you that your children aren’t as good looking and smart as you think they are. I tell you that the New York Times Best Sellers you read are not in my league. I point out that you’re a lazy parent with your Elf on the Shelf; and, I let you know that your nervous smile makes you look desperate and slightly pathetic. Yes indeed, I give you, my readers, a gift every day.

In return, you should be sending me Thank You gifts. Perhaps my contest should be: Who can send Garbageman’s Daughter the best Thank You gift?

So please get to work on this exciting new contest, I will announce the winner in two weeks. The winner will receive nothing from me other than the privilege of being mentioned on my blog.

Thank you for your participation, and remember there are many creative things you can do with chocolate and tea.

Garbageman's Daughter Answers Your Questions

Dear Readers:

When I started my blog over two years ago, I was my only reader and my biggest fan. Over time my readership has increased and so have the questions about my blog. So, I wanted to share my answers to the most frequently asked questions:

1. Are you really a Garbageman's Daughter? You bet. My family's garbage business was started about 55 years ago by my grandfather. After his death, my father and brother took ownership. As a teenager, I was embarrassed by my blue collar roots and frequently lied about my dad's profession. I even told a date that my father owned a convenience store. Now I am very proud of my humble roots and that is why I selected The Adventures of the Garbageman's Daughter as the title for my blog.

2. Is your hair as bad in reality as it is in the drawing that advertises your name? Yes and probably much worse. Some may say bad hair is a curse. I say, "It is a trademark." In fact when selecting an image for my blog, I did an online search for "bad hair."

3. Are your children headless? No, my children do indeed have heads. However, I have decided to never show the faces of my children because I am not a mom blogger. As I frequently tell people, I only write about my kids when it is good for my art. Even then, I tend to make them more funny and interesting than they really are. If you know me, you know what my kids look like. If you don't know me, imagine the four most attractive children you have ever seen and make them 10 times better looking. Then, you'll know what my children look like. Luckily, their gorgeous looks compensate for their other shortfalls.

4. What  is your blog about? "About" is a nebulous word. Does it have to be "about" anything? There is no unifying theme to my blog other than the chaos of my mind.

5. Why do some of your blog posts appear, disappear and reappear? Sometimes I write things that were fun or interesting ideas in my head but come out as manure in the written form. Sometimes I pull the manure from the blog, but then I re-post it when I remember that you can't get a beautiful flower without the manure. Bad writing is a necessary step to get good writing. So, I keep the bad stuff as reminder to work harder -- unless the post just really sucks then it disappears forever.

6. Do you get paid to blog? Nope. I write 1,500 word essays just for the fun of it.

7. Do you have plans for your blog or your writing? No. I am a librarian by day and a blogger by night. I have no plans to leave my day job.

8. Why do you hate Michael Jackson? He is and will forever be the King of Pop, why don't you get that? These are two of my favorite questions that get sent to me anytime I write anything somewhat critical of the late pop star. I don't hate Michael Jackson; I just stopped listening to him when was an accused pedophile. After his death, I just couldn't muster up any type of enthusiasm to revisit his music. I prefer to leave my memories of Michael Jackson in the 1980s where they belong.

9. Are your stories true? Sometimes. It is safe to assume that at least three sentences in every post are true. Otherwise, I lie and call it art.

10. Garbageman's Daughter, you are hilarious and I can't get enough.. Are you married? Yep, but thanks for asking.

So, there you have the top ten most commonly ask questions about me and the Adventures of the Garbageman's Daughter. Keep those questions coming.

Sincerely,

GMD

The Cyberspace Police Should Give You a Ticket...

If you left your car alongside the road, it would be towed, you be ticketed and would be responsible for getting your vehicle out of the impound. So, why shouldn't there be repercussions for abandoning your blog?

When writers establish blogs, they are taking on a commitment. Bloggers make promises to their readers (which may only be their moms, spouses or strangers who also have the same predilection for silent movies, musty old books and New Wave music from the 1980s). Creating a blog is making a promise to deliver timely content updates. When bloggers fail to update their blogs, they fail their readers.

According to a 2008 survey by Technorati, which operates a search engine for blogs, only 7.4 million out of the 133 million blogs the company tracks were updated in the 120 days prior to the survey, which means about 95 percent of blogs were abandoned. It is estimated that about 40,000 people a day start a blog with many of those blogs being abandoned after one or two posts.

If you are not going to stick with it, why go to the trouble of picking a host service, customizing a fashionable blog theme and creating content? Writing a poem or painting a picture would be a more efficient and successful use of your brief burst of creative energy. Why waste your time and disappoint your readers (in particular me) when your zany fashion tidbits, unusual recipes with Huckleberry and wacky advice columns are not longer updated regularly. There is no need to clutter my Blogger Reading List with your lackluster dream that no longer captures your imagination; it is too much of an emotional roller coaster to become a devoted blog follower only to return to my favorite blogs to find stale posts floating in cyberspace.

If you are not going to update your blog, the polite thing to do is either to delete it, or write a short statement such as "Under Construction." "Thanks for stopping by. Be sure to stop by later." "No longer blogging, but please enjoy my archive.” "Too damn busy to update my blog with pictures of smiling kids and clever anecdotes about their mispronunciations that sound like dirty words.” Or, “My blog is a suckish graveyard."

Really any of those would work and would save you from being permanently exiled from my Blogger Dashboard.

Memo to Aspiring Babysitters: If You Want to Watch My Kids You Better Dehoochie Your Facebook Profile

Dear Applicants (all 42 of you):

Thank you for your interest in watching my four amazing and beautiful children; your life will truly be enriched by being around them. Likewise, I would expect that you would have something special and heartening to offer my children. To earn the privilege of watching my children, you must not look like a slutty party girl on your Facebook profile. If your “likes” include tequila, beer, hooking-up with strangers in public restrooms under a full-moon, and having Cool Whip licked from my tummy, I will not hire you. And, it is not because I am old and jealous. Sure, those two facts are true, but I am a public servant. My public will not take kindly to a sign that reads: “No reference librarian today because her babysitter was too hung over to watch her kids.”

I need reliability and maturity. It also doesn’t hurt if you are as haggard and ugly as a copy of War and Peace that has been checked out a multitude of times. Plain Janes are encouraged to apply.

If I do not respond to your application, this means you were too pretty, too fun, too dumb, or too young.

However, if you were smart enough to checkout your potential employer’s Facebook profile like I checked out yours, please email me a copy of my blog link and I’ll hire you immediately. Smart, innovative girls are encouraged to apply.

Sincerely,

Your Potential Boss
Garbageman’s Daughter

Celebrating Two Years of Floating in the Blogosphere

With no subject matter, no plan, no goals, and no audience, I started blogging two years ago. With no subject matter, no plan, no goals and a small but loyal audience, I am still blogging.

The Glory of Writing and the Agony of Rewriting

Rewrites suck the joy out of my heart and the enamel off my teeth. I would rather go to the gynecologist, dentist and waxing parlor all in the same day than work on rewrites. I would rather be trapped in a room with a continual musical loop of the Jonas Brothers, Miley Cyrus and Miranda Cosgroove than edit and revise my writing.

Rewriting is why writing is my avocation instead of my vocation. First drafts bring happiness where rewrites bring misery. First drafts are pleasurable, gratifying and thrilling—pure hedonism. Every word feels sexy and beautiful; the flow is flawless; the tone is pitch-perfect; the metaphors soar like birds returning North in the Springtime. Self-love abounds with writing as a celebratory gesture….until the next day.

After the initial exaltation of writing the first draft, the actual seriousness and downright dreadfulness of the transcript appears. First drafts are terrible in nature, which is why they are called first drafts and not final drafts. In theory and in practice, rewriting should be the next step. Great in theory but in practice, rewriting is miserable, unsexy and downright tortuous.

For bloggers, rewriting is easy to skip. Other than small edits, mostly of a grammatical variety, it is easy to move on to the next hedonistic and enthralling experience known as today’s post with no regards for yesterday’s post and no planning for tomorrow’s post. Blogging is sensual and glorious. It is the splendor of first drafts without any of the pain of the rewriting process…well until now. If “writing is rewriting” then for this blogger, blogging will soon be re-blogging and more re-blogging until there is no more enamel on my teeth.

A Few Thoughts on the Facebook Status Update

After careful reflection and rumination, I have concluded that the Facebook Status Update is no longer an adequate or satisfying outlet for my creativity and artistry. Why should I spend hours crafting clever witticisms, acerbic quips and charming observations about art, literature, libraries, marriage, motherhood and celebrity gossip only to receive 7 or 8 “likes” (if you are the only person on the planet who is not on Facebook—i.e. my husband—this is a convention used in social networking to show appreciation or agreement with someone’s statements.)? I have spent hours rewriting Prince lyrics to reflect poignant moments in my life. I have spoofed the quintessential public service announcements on Facebook that do not do a damn thing but take up space in the Newsfeed. I have made pithy remarks about the intrinsic silliness of Facebook, which did get reposted by one person but only received three likes.

Three is simply not enough. I must admit my self-esteem suffers when I earn a low “like” count and one of my Facebook friends nets 27 “likes” for “My kid sneezed today, “ or when, “I love (but picture one of those stupid hearts instead of the word “love”) my dog” gets 19 likes and 15 comments. It is always those pet comments that land the most superficial Facebook love. Clearly, these superior Facebookers have many relatives who are giving them undeserved praise or they just have a lot of cyber-friends who are being nice now to compensate for being such assholes in high school. Wonder if I would get deleted if I responded: “Animals get aggravated and eat people. What is wrong with you?” Or, maybe I should try: “People really don’t like you. They just want to feel better about themselves by being kind to you with an insincere comment and a fake 'like'.”

Although I am not likely to make either one of those comments, please do not worry that my Facebook presence will fade. I will continue to read your updates and give you the feedback that you desire. It will be good for your self-esteem, and I (thanks to a new Facebook feature) can earn “ likes” for my witty responses. And of course, I’ll continue to post pictures of my gorgeous children. Kids who are as good looking as mine deserve multitudes of "likes."

But, as far as Facebook Status Updates are concerned, they are no longer an artistic outlet for me. It is not productive for me to spend hours writing and posting to Facebook, only to have my writing floating in Cyberspace unread, unappreciated and never thought of or edited by me again. It is far more productive for me to spend hours writing and posting to my blog, only to have my writing Cyberspace unread, unappreciated and never thought of or edited by me again. So Facebook Friends, I’ll see you at the Adventures of the Garbageman’s Daughter, http://garbagemansdaughter.blogspot.com/

Author’s Note: Of course, the RSS Feed for my blog will continue to appear on my Facebook profile, which I suppose makes me a hypocrite in my stance against the Facebook Status Update. But at this point, does anyone really expect my arguments to be rational, ethical, or logical?

Why Blog?

According to the Blog Herald as of July 2008, there were approximately 70 million blogs on the Internet, and there are certainly far more people who are writing blogs instead of reading them. So, why add another blog to the noise?

There are many reasons, but here are a few of my favorites:

• I am a sucker for peer pressure. Everyone is blogging, so why shouldn't I?
• Blogging is quick and dirty. Essay writing is an exhausting labor that involves hours of writing and re-writing and mountains of research. Blogging allows me to let the words out and move on without much commitment or hard work.  
• I am a perpetual attention seeker.
• I want all the boys who broke my heart to read my blog and regret the day that they dumped such a fine talent.
• I can give my point of view and tell my side of the story without having to pretend to care about other people's opinions or the actual truth.
• I want every person whoever met me to search my blog endlessly to see if I am writing about them. 
• It's my stage, so it's all about me, me, me. I will be the star of my narratives. This is not a place to showcase photographs of my kids, nor is my blog the venue to vent about my complex relationships with my parents, in-laws, and husband, I'll save that for therapy someday or just continue to complain about them behind their backs. 
• And, most importantly, I blog because it is cheaper than alcohol and antidepressants.
                                            

No Mucking Please

My blog is not a democratic forum. 

Please go exercise your freedom of speech elsewhere. 

On Blogging

My blog posts are like a series of one night stands. They feel good at the time, but make me vomit when I look at them a second time.