A Memo to Mom-Writers

There are millions of aspiring mom-writers out there, many of whom believe that funny little stories about their children will get them the notoriety, bylines, and paychecks that they desire and deserve. They are wrong. 

Writer-moms listen clearly; your stories (albeit cute) are only funny to you. All kids make messes, say embarrassing things, and have gross bodily functions. These stories are not particularly unique or universally appealing (especially to the non-breeders of the world). So who cares if your kid poops legos (the small ones will pass); calls your husband's boss while playing with daddy's cell phone at the exact time daddy says "work sucks;" or, eats a snack out of the dog bowl?

Let's face it no one will care because your target readers are mothers. And most mothers only care about their own kids. No matter how amazing your child's accomplishments are; their children could have accomplished twice as much in half the time while speaking Chinese and French. No matter how green your kids' poop is because of the food coloring agent Red 40, their kids' feces will either be greener or not green at all because they give their children only organic food products.  

Your stories are better suited for Facebook, Twitter, your family blog, and that dreadful end of the year Family Letter that immediately gets tossed in recycling bins and has dozens of your distant relatives and friends calling you a delusional bitch behind your back. No one cares about your husband's promotion, how you ran a marathon three weeks giving after birth to your second child, and the six new teeth that your baby got.  

These nice stories are family history, not national news or world-class essays. So, enjoy your stories and share them with people who pretend to care (but really turn off your Facebook feed). Keep and save your stories for generations to come, but please remember just because you find your family history interesting doesn't mean it needs to be donated to a library. Keep that crap on your hard-drive or in your attic!