30-Minute Meal Whore

While making my decision to buy Wal-Mart’s beef stock or to pay about seven cents more for Progresso’s version, I saw it -- Rachel Ray Stock-In-A-Box. This 12 oz. cardboard box confirms my theory that Rachel Ray has no soul nor any catch phrases, cooking techniques, ideas or thoughts that she has not peddled or pushed to make a quick million or two. (Is there really any difference between Rachel Ray and Eliot Spitzer's girl? Well, we know her first and last name; she keeps her clothes on in the kitchen; and, she is one of the biggest multimedia moguls in the world. Never mind.)

So, in addition to the cooking phenomenon's name and smiling picture on a box of broth, you can also buy Rachael Ray All-Italian EVOO (her acronym for Extra Virgin Olive Oil), Rachael Ray 8-Star Balsamic Vinegar of Modena. After you fill your pantry with Rachel Ray basics and a few tasty treats for your pets, you can buy the full line of cutlery, cookbooks, DVDs, cookware, chefs’ apparel, and, of course, the Rachel Ray garbage bowl. Yes, you read that correctly. If a bowl from your cabinet isn’t good enough to catch peelings and scraps, you can purchase a designer melamine bowl to hold your cooking rubbish for only $18.95 on her official website and at many other fine retailers near you.

Although the bowl concept has been universally trashed by bloggers, the bowls are flying off the shelves. So, who are the people buying these bowls and her other products? Me and people like me. I am the fish that chomped on the pretty fluorescent pink chick-pea. Now I can’t get the damn hook out of my throat.

When Rachel Ray came onto the scene about eight years ago, she was hocking the concept of quick , healthy, and inexpensive meals. The target audience was busy moms who disn’t have the time, inclination, or, in my case, the ability to cook the way their own mothers and grandmothers did. I bought it, and so did millions of others. Taking Ms. Ray’s advice, I mixed a can of green chilies with refried beans for a little added flavor – “delish.” My kids love the chicken nugget dip made up of ketchup, mustard, and ranch dressing – "yum-o!" You’ll frequently hear me say, “Baking is too exact...too fussy. Rachel Ray says so.” I’ll even throw out an occasional “eyeball it” or “two turns of a pan.” Although I wish it were not true, I have the Rachel Ray lexicon.

Her cooking concepts are practical and just plain good. So, where did it all go wrong? Her solid concepts beget great success which beget great backlash. However, Ms. Ray is not blameless in the backlash. Branching out into areas that have nothing to without cooking has led to her downfall.

While drying off with one of my 5 five Rachel Ray towels that I purchased from a liquidating Linens ‘n Things for $4.99 each, I wondered why a chef is designing towels? But do one really design a towel? Isn’t it just a rectangular piece of fabric? And what would possess her to think that she has the knowledge to create linens. Then it occurs that I am thinking about Rachel Ray while being naked. All my inner dialogue stops immediately -- nothing like a little humming while putting on hose.

Nonetheless, Rachel Ray’s rein of retail terror must be stopped; she is the Microsoft of the culinary world. No more RR broth, olive oil, dog treats, garbage bowls, or knives. Sure, keep her cookbooks and sneak a peek at her cooking show on the Food Network (the one where she actually makes a meal in 30 minutes from start to finish; not the one where she eats her way around the world; or, the one where she sees how much food she can get for $40 a day; or, the one where she dishes with celebs). Cooking is where she started and that is where she should be. Well actually, she started out in grocery store, but let’s leave her with some dignity and a nice little show on a cable network.