An Anniversary Gift

Writing humor is hard. As you can tell by the last few entries, I am not that funny.

But sometimes things are just funny without being set-up or stylized, they stand alone on their pure ridiculousness. And one of those wonderfully ridiculous sentiments was sent to me today by my childhood friend, Stephanie.

She writes: "...19 years ago today was our infamous trip to Pittsburgh to see NKOTB. " Let me repeat that in case you missed it the first time, "...19 years ago today was our infamous trip to Pittsburgh to see NKOTB. "

I was a part of crappy music history. I'll be smiling all day.

Wine, Cheese & Chance at Social Redemption

I have now asked 7 friends, emailed 5 relatives and clocked three hours and 11 minutes searching for the perfect wine and appetizer. For the moment, choosing the perfect vintage and accompaniment is the chief challenge in my life.

Why is this so important? This little decision could cement my reputation and position in the neighborhood. This could be my way to win friends and influence people, or at the very least, get invited to more parties. Best case scenario, I become a cool kid (at last) and will be considered refined, cultured, and sophisticated (finally). Plus, my kids won't be banded from play dates due to their uncouth upbringing.

Bringing the wrong beverage could result in me being branded as cheap, crass, and foul as the bad tasting wine that I bear. My kids would be blacklisted indefinitely.

The pressure is on. Considering that I think most wines taste like bad cough medicine that is in desperate need of copious sugar and after-taste reducer, pulling this off may be difficult. And not appearing as poser could be an issue since poser with a touch of pompous snob is my go-to disposition in social settings.

The invitation specifically said no cheap wines. What is a cheap wine? How little is too little to pay? Should I get a white or red? Dry or wet? (Isn't all wine wet?) Pinot noir, a Burgundy red or Italian Barolo, and Beaujolais? You got to be kidding me. It is liquid made by smashing up grapes either red or white and then letting them rot. Can you really tell the difference? Those distinctions just exist so a bunch of foodies (a.k.a. culinary snobs) can make normal soda drinking people feel insecure and uneducated. I prefer to do that with classic literature. I recently finished Perl Buck's The Good Earth and just started The Tin Drum by Nobel prize-winning author Gunter Grass all while I edit an article for publication about Gertrude Stein's work in relation to Deleuze and Guattari's Theory of Minor Literature. That's how it is done without the aftertaste.

I digress. Friends recommended a Shiraz that is only about $8.00. Is this a cheap wine? Will I be admonished for this choice? Will I be given a "C" to wear around my neck to denote my cheapness for perpetuity? ( Another high literature reference).

So even if the $8.00 wine flies, there is the whole issue of the accompaniment. Having to cook something for strangers makes me break out in hives, which is really gross when preparing food. Can't take my customary corn bake casserole for this one.

Some recommendations online included:

• Lamb Sausage in Puff Pastry with Laurent du Clos Mustard
• Asparagus Wrapped in Crisp Prosciutto
• Mini Crab Cakes encrusted in potato chips with Rémoulade Sauce
• Endives with Gorgonzola
• Smoked Salmon Canapés
• Stuffed Cherry Tomatoes
• Prosciutto and Melon

Don't really think those are in my league. I need to make something that I can spell. I make a great queso with Velveeta cheese and Rotel tomatoes, and when I am in the mood to impress I whip up the Harry & David's Sweet Pepper Relish with cream cheese. I just discovered a spinach dip from a packet that can be poured into a bread bowl from Wal-Mart. I would be the talk of the party with any of those options.

But most likely, I'll repeat the success I had at the neighborhood picnic by picking out something delicious and pretty at the local deli and sliding it right onto my holiday serving dish.
Stay tuned for the update from the party as my quest for universal acceptance from former prom queens and ex-sorority girls continues.

Breaking Up Is Never Easy

I am going through the worse break-up of my life, and I can't help doing all the stereotypical break-up rituals. I cry; I read old correspondence; I think about the good times; and, I email friends to see how my ex is doing.

No, I am not getting a divorce or ending an affair with a lover. The love I lost is far more pathetic and perverse.

I am mourning the loss of a my job. I initiated the separation when I moved out of state, but it was a hasty separation. We had only been in this relationship for two and half years, and the honeymoon wasn't even over yet. Like most of other break-ups, I wasn't ready for it to be over. The relationship ended before it was fully explored. Over before I could wreck it like I have wrecked all my past relationships. I would have been dumped eventually, but knowing it is no consolation for the experience.


I am used to exs leaving me in the dust and moving on quickly. After Michael, Patrick, Harry and Brian dumped me, they all went to meet, fall in the love with, and marry my replacement. (Pretty sure Patrick was engaged and in the marital bed before I picked up my keys, deleted the white wedding dress, baby names, and mini-van from my hopes and dreams bank, and walked out the door).
Like all previous exs, my new ex has moved on and seems to be doing well with out me.


Now it is time to put down the chocolate, turn off sad songs, and look for my rebound relationship.