I have now asked 7 friends, emailed 5 relatives and clocked three hours and 11 minutes searching for the perfect wine and appetizer. For the moment, choosing the perfect vintage and accompaniment is the chief challenge in my life.
Why is this so important? This little decision could cement my reputation and position in the neighborhood. This could be my way to win friends and influence people, or at the very least, get invited to more parties. Best case scenario, I become a cool kid (at last) and will be considered refined, cultured, and sophisticated (finally). Plus, my kids won't be banded from play dates due to their uncouth upbringing.
Bringing the wrong beverage could result in me being branded as cheap, crass, and foul as the bad tasting wine that I bear. My kids would be blacklisted indefinitely.
The pressure is on. Considering that I think most wines taste like bad cough medicine that is in desperate need of copious sugar and after-taste reducer, pulling this off may be difficult. And not appearing as poser could be an issue since poser with a touch of pompous snob is my go-to disposition in social settings.
The invitation specifically said no cheap wines. What is a cheap wine? How little is too little to pay? Should I get a white or red? Dry or wet? (Isn't all wine wet?) Pinot noir, a Burgundy red or Italian Barolo, and Beaujolais? You got to be kidding me. It is liquid made by smashing up grapes either red or white and then letting them rot. Can you really tell the difference? Those distinctions just exist so a bunch of foodies (a.k.a. culinary snobs) can make normal soda drinking people feel insecure and uneducated. I prefer to do that with classic literature. I recently finished Perl Buck's The Good Earth and just started The Tin Drum by Nobel prize-winning author Gunter Grass all while I edit an article for publication about Gertrude Stein's work in relation to Deleuze and Guattari's Theory of Minor Literature. That's how it is done without the aftertaste.
I digress. Friends recommended a Shiraz that is only about $8.00. Is this a cheap wine? Will I be admonished for this choice? Will I be given a "C" to wear around my neck to denote my cheapness for perpetuity? ( Another high literature reference).
So even if the $8.00 wine flies, there is the whole issue of the accompaniment. Having to cook something for strangers makes me break out in hives, which is really gross when preparing food. Can't take my customary corn bake casserole for this one.
Some recommendations online included:
- Lamb Sausage in Puff Pastry with Laurent du Clos Mustard
- Asparagus Wrapped in Crisp Prosciutto
- Mini Crab Cakes encrusted in potato chips with Rémoulade Sauce
- Endives with Gorgonzola
- Smoked Salmon Canapés
- Stuffed Cherry Tomatoes
- Prosciutto and Melon
Don't really think those are in my league. I need to make something that I can spell. I make a great queso with Velveeta cheese and Rotel tomatoes, and when I am in the mood to impress I whip up the Harry & David's Sweet Pepper Relish with cream cheese. I just discovered a spinach dip from a packet that can be poured into a bread bowl from Wal-Mart. I would be the talk of the party with any of those options.
But most likely, I'll repeat the success I had at the neighborhood picnic by picking out something delicious and pretty at the local deli and sliding it right onto my holiday serving dish.
Stay tuned for the update from the party as my quest for universal acceptance from former prom queens and ex-sorority girls continues.
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