Friday, June 4, 2010
The Uninvited Guest
My unquenchable desire for seeking highs in dirty places leaves a bitter taste in my mouth and gives me a hangover that pounds with regret and embarrassment. Please forgive me for dancing on your table topless and throwing up on your shoes. Do not worry; I will not crash your party again. Despite your pleasant cordiality, your beer tasted flat.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Honey, You Need a New Thesaurus
Congratulations, Kristen Stewart, for managing to piss off every women’s group and sexual crime awareness organization on the planet as well as most of womankind and probably a lot of men too. If you are not too busy chasing vampires or bitching about your life to reporters, you need to find a new thesaurus because rape and fame are not the same thing. Rape is a violent crime. Fame is the thing that is fleeing expeditiously from you.
However, there are more lessons to learn here than merely rape sensitivity. Let’s first start with a very well-known fact: Reporters are not trustworthy and have the power to be vindictive. Complaining to reporters about others reporters is not likely to win you much sympathy or a positive spin. When you say stupid shit, they will publish it to sell magazines – the simple economics of stupidity.
Second, you need to hire a handler that will first prevent you from saying stupid shit and will fix it immediately when you fuck-up. Yes, you need a fuck-up preventer.
Third, never use illness, disabilities, sexual assault, the Holocaust, slavery, or war as metaphors. These politically sensitive topics will do nothing but tick off activist groups and draw unsavory attention.
So for now Kristen, the best thing to do is keep your mouth shut; continue to make those grumpy “get out of my space” faces for the camera, and wait for your star to fade. Your wish will come true around the same time that publishers stop giving Stephenie Meyer money to write ghastly books. In a year or two, you’ll be making a sex tape, auditioning for Dancing with the [Washed-Up] Stars , or doing a stint on Celebrity Rehab to reclaim the fame that you abhor.
May all your wishes of obscurity come true, sweetheart.
However, there are more lessons to learn here than merely rape sensitivity. Let’s first start with a very well-known fact: Reporters are not trustworthy and have the power to be vindictive. Complaining to reporters about others reporters is not likely to win you much sympathy or a positive spin. When you say stupid shit, they will publish it to sell magazines – the simple economics of stupidity.
Second, you need to hire a handler that will first prevent you from saying stupid shit and will fix it immediately when you fuck-up. Yes, you need a fuck-up preventer.
Third, never use illness, disabilities, sexual assault, the Holocaust, slavery, or war as metaphors. These politically sensitive topics will do nothing but tick off activist groups and draw unsavory attention.
So for now Kristen, the best thing to do is keep your mouth shut; continue to make those grumpy “get out of my space” faces for the camera, and wait for your star to fade. Your wish will come true around the same time that publishers stop giving Stephenie Meyer money to write ghastly books. In a year or two, you’ll be making a sex tape, auditioning for Dancing with the [Washed-Up] Stars , or doing a stint on Celebrity Rehab to reclaim the fame that you abhor.
May all your wishes of obscurity come true, sweetheart.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Watch Out Graffiti Artists
Hey Graffiti Artists:
My carpet is not a canvas for your red acrylic paint and red markers; the walls in the toddler’s room do not need a touch of brown and pink crayon; the kitchen counters are granite and do not need to be enhanced with baby blue chalk; and, if you continue to color your legs green to look like the Hulk, you will continue to wear jeans in 95 degree weather to cover up what you call body art and what the softball moms would call bad parenting.
So, Guerilla Children, I have used OxiClean, Spot Shot and Magic Erasers for the last time; the companies have denied my requests for stock options based on my high-volume purchases, so I am doing the rational thing and stifling your artistic tendencies. All paint, chalk, crayons, markers, pencils and pens have been hidden. Time to go find a new way to express yourself; I hear music is cathartic and non-messy.
Sincerely,
Your Mother, a supporter of the arts anywhere but on my stuff
My carpet is not a canvas for your red acrylic paint and red markers; the walls in the toddler’s room do not need a touch of brown and pink crayon; the kitchen counters are granite and do not need to be enhanced with baby blue chalk; and, if you continue to color your legs green to look like the Hulk, you will continue to wear jeans in 95 degree weather to cover up what you call body art and what the softball moms would call bad parenting.
So, Guerilla Children, I have used OxiClean, Spot Shot and Magic Erasers for the last time; the companies have denied my requests for stock options based on my high-volume purchases, so I am doing the rational thing and stifling your artistic tendencies. All paint, chalk, crayons, markers, pencils and pens have been hidden. Time to go find a new way to express yourself; I hear music is cathartic and non-messy.
Sincerely,
Your Mother, a supporter of the arts anywhere but on my stuff
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