Unfortunately, my great funnel cake drought started when I left Pennsylvania in August, 1995. Clearly, if you look at my hips and thighs, you can tell that I am not opposed to eating average, bad, and awful funnel cake if I am really hungry and jonesin’ for lard covered in powdered sugar. But, a great funnel would be a glorious Earthly delight. In fact, I am not even expecting the whole cake to be great, just one scrumptious bite. A bite that is as delicious as the funnel cakes from my childhood summers in the humid Keystone State, where the smells of funnel cakes, cow manure, and lonely smoke covered carnies with tragic eyes that made me love them all came together in a speculator potpourri at fireman’s festivals, county fairs and church bazaars. Bad funnel cake simple cannot be found in Pennsylvania. Fantastic Funnel cakes are made through natural instinct. It is our culture. It is who we are. Pennsylvanians (even the non-Pennsylvania Dutch) are the supreme funnel cake makers.
Coloradoans and Texans are not even good funnel cake makers. It is not terribly surprising in Colorado where people eat healthy and exercise by choice, not doctor’s orders. Coloradoans simple don’t have the cholesterol saturated heart to succeed. The best festival food I have experienced in the Centennial State has been roasted asparagus. If it is not fried and covered in powdered sugar or chocolate, it should not be called festival food.
Now in Texas where festival foods abound and if something stays still long enough it will get fried, I rarely found funnel cake and when I did locate it, either it had the taste and texture of coal or the center was gooey and gag inducing. Although we experienced many fantastic fried Twinkies and amazing fried Nutter Butters, funnel cakes in the Lone Star State consistently failed to please. And, so my quest for the perfect funnel cake outside of Pennsylvania continues. But since finding a glorious cake is not likely, feel free to take pity on me. If you are from Pennsylvania and know how to make great funnel cake, please come be neighbor. I’ll make the tea and my son will mow your yard. It will be a great friendship built on carbohydrates and fats, what more could be desired?
