Is it happiness, stupidity or complete oblivion that drives a person to write the obligatory Christmas letter filled with a year’s worth of good fortunate, bliss and too damn many tidings of joy. Does the author really think this is her reality? Is she over compensating? Does her water bottle re-filled with Jack Daniels throughout the day make her life that good? When she tells her readers about her husband’s promotion, her son’s AP classes or her baby’s feat of walking 14 steps at the age of 10 months, does she not realize that her husband is doing her jogging partner, the kid is cooking up Meth in the garage and the baby has many years until she grows into her ears? How much time did she spend to garner so many eye-rolls and behind the back cackles?
Although I feel sorry for this woman with each nauseating Christmas letter carefully printed on her garland and holly laced stationary sealed delicately with a matching address label, my greatest sympathy goes to the couple who send me their dog updates every December. Dogs are not kids no matter how many toys, sweaters and special snacks they have. And furthermore, an obedience school is not an elite preschool; if you have time to put your dog on a waitlist, you simply have too much time.
A better use of both the woman’s time and the couple’s time would be to create a blog or post more frequently to Facebook, so I can mock them year round. Or, really they could just send me a picture Christmas card. Being able to judge a family in 20 seconds or less makes it much easier on them and me.
Be green and skip the Christmas letter this year.
